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Victim Shaming

SVU’s Detective Benson & Tutuola vs. Real NYPD Detectives By: Tiffany V. Stiles 10/19/2018 Along with millions of avid viewers, I’ve been a fan of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit for almost 20 years. The compassion these characters have for victims of sexual assault is unparalleled to the strong burden of shame and fear felt. You’re offered a comforting blanket and a cup of warm cocoa; another way to let you know you’re safe now. One in four women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime and one in six women will experience attempted or completed rape in their lifetime (site this). Of those women, there’s been dialogue of why they don’t come forward after being attacked…but what about us women who do & are then dismissed? This is my story: After over three hours of waiting, two detectives from NYPD’s Special Victims Division walked into my hospital room. A male and a female… Continue reading »

I Didn’t Know I Was Raped

Upon the eve of my 21st birthday my boyfriend of the time (who was everything to not date in a man) raped me. We went to a bar and were drinking. I am not even a fan of bars. I wanted to go camping, but he insisted. (Side Note: After we broke up I went on dates with four different guys to see what was out there. Every single one of them treated me better than he treated me our entire relationship. Like, the little things they did in comparison, blew my mind. How they thought of me, how kind they were, and how much they payed attention to detail, BLEW MY MIND. It was stuff that shouldn’t have even blew my mind, but did. It did because I was treated like shit emotionally for so long that I didn’t even know anything else. If a man (or my bad, boy) ever makes you question… Continue reading »

My message to all

As I heard the news that Kavanaugh made it into the supreme court, my heart sank. My husband, who follows politics relentlessly, was furious but I was silent and went on with my day. Getting angry would mean that I would have to really think about what this event means to me… and of course I eventually became angry. The anger is partially about Kavanaugh but mostly about the reaction that men have a scary road ahead. If this is you, please read with an open and heart and mind as this idea may affect those you love much more than you know. I do not know that Kavanaugh is guilty of sexual assault, but if he is I really hope he reads this too. If you believe that all of this sexual assault talk is unfair to men then my counter argument is that it is not fair that I have to push out… Continue reading »

Attempted rape

I am 67 years old now. When I was in college I went on a date in my sophomore year of college with a graduate student. He invited me to his off campus apartment for dinner. When I got there, he offered me a drink of wine, when I accepted. He said he was going to get comfortable and make dinner. He went into the bathroom and came out only with a towel and a towel, an erection, and a condom on. He sat next to me and started rubbing my shoulders which made me uncomfortable. He then started kissing me and pushed me back on the sofa. I asked him to stop and he reached for my underwear. I started to fight and he held me down and called me a “cockteaser”. I kneed him and he ripped my shirt. I managed to get to the door and run out. What saved me was… Continue reading »

I was too young to know what sexual abuse was

Aug 20th I was going into freshman year of high school and they had an orientation at the high school to tour around and see where our classes were at. I met a guy named blake ….we clicked right away and we started hanging out more and more i met his parents and his sister. He had the kitchen upstairs and two living rooms one downstairs and one upstairs at first i thought he was an amazing person a person i wanted to have kids with because i saw what i wanted to see i didn’t leave the first time he sexually assaulted me i was 14 i didn’t know what sex even was let alone sexual abuse and assault. I told myself he wouldn’t do it again or oh this is normal as the months passed and he was getting eager and was always leaning towards sex or sexual acts there were times where… Continue reading »

Feelings After I was Raped 20 plus years

I am always screaming inside. What is Normal. I forgot who I was before I was raped. What is it like to be Happy. I never really sleep. I am always mad. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about my Rapist(s). Why I never told anyone. I am Embarressed. I am Ashamed. I am so stupid. I let it happen. Believe me. Don’t believe me. I never really Smile. I don’t know what love really is. I am numb. Trust. Sitting in the Shower. Crying with No Sound. Who am I really. I Never want to Leave my house. Nobody knows. Everybody knows. Worse. Hurt. Pain. Sorrow. I want to die everyday. I want to live. Don’t touch me. Touch me. Where is my Laugh. I am weak. Bury my head im my pillow every night. I want to be left alone. Don’t leave me alone. Breathe. I want to forget. I… Continue reading »

Rape

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of research lately. About rape and sexual promiscuity. Basically what it suggests is that out of the women (men get assaulted too, just not in this research) that reported rape, almost 50% of them declined in sexual activity, which is what one would expect. Another almost 40% reported an increase in sexual activity, which raises the question, your question, why? Why would someone open up what had been so sacredly taken from them? I used to wonder why? I wasn’t walking down a street in thigh high boots, I wasn’t at some rager (is that how you even spell it) at a frat house. I was at a ‘apartment warming party’ with a co-worker and her boyfriend who were having issues. I was wearing jeans shorts and a cute shirt, still my go to comfy clothes. There was two other guys and one other girl…. Continue reading »

When will it be enough?

Why is it not enough? Why is my reluctance not enough to make you stop? Why is my “no” not enough? Why is my “no no no” not enough? Why are my clawing, shoving, desperately-trying-to-pull-my-pants-up hands not enough? Why is my cry of “oh god make it stop, please make it stop” still not enough for you? Why are my tears not enough? Why do I have to be violated and then told that I’m too young to recognize that women want a man who “takes charge in the bedroom”? Why does this have to happen over and over and over again all over the world? I am heartbroken for all my sisters who have endured the same pain. It is not fair that we have lost pieces of our souls after these monsters. It is not fair that the gaping wounds attract more predators, like sharks drawn to blood in the water, who tear… Continue reading »

I will never forget

All this start when i meet a boy when i was 16 he was my dream man who later will be my nightmare,i remember like today the day u do that too me,i was young and silly i believe in this world everybody is like me,naive as i was,i could never forget when i get into your car ,i was crying begging you to stop the car u just don’t listen i was just a sex doll for u not even human,u drive me to that shitty motel and raped me u see my face was covered with tears i was scared but u never care u just care for ur desire and after hours of it u leave me like trash in the middle of nowwhere with no money,u know i could not make a call beacuse of the society we live,in that day u don’t only rape me u destroy me trust in… Continue reading »

Hotel

I was out on a Friday night with my best friend at a nice hotel bar in the city. I was a little drunk, but not much. I met a nice man who laughed with me and showed me pictures of his dog. I decided to go back to his hotel with him (a decision that haunts me). Once we were back, I just remember having a bad feeling. I didn’t actually want to have sex. I only wanted to be out of the noisy bar. I felt myself not wanting to be there anymore. I don’t remember how my outfit came off, but I remember being on my back naked and him on top of me. I remember saying no a lot of times before he was inside me. After that, I remember him moving me around where he wanted me, me crying, him covering my mouth and also putting a pillow over my… Continue reading »