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Why wasn’t I able to say “NO!”?

I know I am seeking a sense of validation but it is hard for me not to. Part of me still does not believe that I was raped and I am wrong for saying that I was. Another part of me says that the more times I tell it to trusted and safe people the more I will believe it to be true and can move on. I finally talked to my therapist about the whole thing yesterday and told her the whole story. She was first person I told the entire story to. She talked me about this concept: tonic immobility. I have some more reading on this concept and it has helped some with my denial and self blame. This is a good article on it: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/sexual-assault-may-trigger-involuntary-paralysis/ So here is my story…When I was 17 or 18 (it was the summer eight after HS graduation and before I headed off to college) I… Continue reading »

I still feel like it’s my fault

I don’t know why I’m writing this but I’ve been reading all of these stories and felt the urge to speak. I don’t know if I was raped. I still deal with the guilt of feeling like I led him on in some way, told him I wanted it possibly (I have no recollection of most of the night), or any other factor that may “invalidate” my story, if that’s possible but what I do know is that I’ll forever regret the night I went out with him. So here goes…. It was last summer, July 2017. I met a guy at a mutual friends party. I had kindve known that he was an acquaintance of another guy I had briefly dated in the past dated so I definitely didn’t want to get into anything sexual or serious with him, just thought he was cute and we could go for food & drinks one day…. Continue reading »

I didn’t break up with him back then

I was in a relationship with my ex-boyfriend for round about 2 years I guess. We laid in bed and he wanted to have sex. So he started to kiss my neck and to touch me but I wasn’t in the mood so I told him. But he did not stop. He continued, started undressing me and I told him to stop over and over again but that did not stop him. I didn’t dare to fight back because I was afraid he was going to hurt me. ( even though he never put a hand on me before that ) When he was finished I started crying and he didn’t even know why. I never told anyone about this because I felt and still feel ashamed for something that isn’t even my fault. — Survivor, age 17

The rape apology and my reply

(I have changed the names of all people involved in this account.) This is quite a long account so I do apologise. Max, this is the message you sent me 8 years after I woke up to you on top of me after our college prom: Hi, I sincerely hope that life is treating you well and you are feeling good. I hope this message isn’t an intrusion on your happiness. But, f**k, I miss you like crazy. I understand that I was a special sort of C**t. I know that I don’t even warrant a thought. But I think of you often. I realise that my behaviour was beyond reprehensible. I just wish that I still knew you.Feel free to ignore this. I just turned 26 and know I still think about you daily and wish I had done the right thing for you and by you. I hope you have the best of… Continue reading »

Not safe in my own skin

I had been with my ex for 5 years, I loved him so much. He was not always so cruel, or well maybe he was. From the beginning he cheated on me with like 8 girls. He would deliberately embarrass me out in public. Then became controlling. And paranoid The first time he was violent with me he ended up head butting me in the face! He become rough with me during sex and this went on for three more years, until he raped me when I was pregnant and I ended up miscarrying my twins. It started off consensual. He was on a lot of drugs which I didn’t like, but he was sweet and affectionate. But then he did something I asked him not to do, and he continued. He told me to be quiet but I kept telling him please no. I was in so much pain and crying out he put my hand over… Continue reading »

Perfect on Paper

I met him at a party on New Years. He was handsome, a great dancer, a pre-law student, worked while putting himself through school, had a new car, played in a jazz band, father was a minister. We went to different schools so he called me when he came home for Easter break. We went to a low key party with his friends and when that ended I asked if he wanted to watch a movie at my place. When I went to my room to hang up my coat, he followed me in and shut the door and leaned on it. I went to walk out still not getting it. He insisted I kiss him and I wanted to. Then he shoved me on the bed. I tried to get up and said no but nothing stopped him. He was probably 6’2″ and 180 pounds. I was 5’6″ and 125 pounds. He was trying… Continue reading »

I don’t know if it’s rape

I don’t know if this is rape because I dont know if I was clear that I didnt want it. I am 19 years old and my boyfriend and I had been dating for 2 years at that time and been in an abusive relationship. I was a mess and didnt know how to get out of it. Closer to the incident (maybe couple months before) we started having rougher sex than normal where he would pin me down or have sex with me when I said no because I would change my mind halfway. This one time we were making out and having fun but all of a sudden I had a mood swing and didnt wannt him to touch me, I evidently said no and for him to stop but he didnt. He took me from behind and just had sex with me while I said no. I dont know if he thought… Continue reading »

Cavemen

By BF and me went to drink beers at the Door to Hell, a cave in the woods(it might have a name, but that’s what we called it). Basically a private place for the kids to drink, and the homeless clean the clans for salvage cash. We all drank a full can, and then I went to a 2nd, while we listened to music. My BF keeps drinking, until he passed out. It was shortly after that this guy starts talking about doing me while me BF was out on the floor. I tried to wake him, but he was too out. There was 5 of them, and there was nothing I could do to stop them pulling my clothes off. They took pictures and video of there assault. They made sure each went at least twice. When they were tired, they dropped me $2, and left. I couldn’t walk, so I just lied there… Continue reading »

Finally Sharing

My story is old nearly two decades and yet it as if my rape was yesterday. I have done a lot of healing absolutely but this type of trauma never leaves you – it shapes you. I feel sad about the circumstances around my rape and as others have experienced – it was a crushing blow to trust. I trusted this person and thought we cared about me (in some way). It’s sad that my trust was shattered by some small, tiny minded, insecure man’s need for power and control. My tale is this: while we were not exclusive we certainly were familiar with one another as we worked together, dated a bit, and just were friendly. We had been intimate too and again not exclusive which has it’s own issues, but that doesn’t mean or equal to a set-up for rape. We met at a restaurant and introduced each other to friends. The fete… Continue reading »

Charity is it’s own reward

I was talked into taking the cousin of a friend to a school dance. He was short, homely, awkward, and basically the stereotype nerd out of all the B teen movies. In those, it always turns out she loves him by the end, but this wasn’t a movie. Counting the minutes until the end, I wanted to walk home. He insisted on walking me to keep me safe from attackers. I figured he wanted a kiss goodnight, and was trying to figure if it was easier talking my way out of it, or choke it back. He could barely keep up, and I had to keep slowing to let him catch up. It was barely around the corner, when he put me in choke hold, and pulled me between a house and a garage! I was almost unconscious as he partially undressed me! I could not catch my breath as he was lying on top… Continue reading »