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Rape

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of research lately. About rape and sexual promiscuity. Basically what it suggests is that out of the women (men get assaulted too, just not in this research) that reported rape, almost 50% of them declined in sexual activity, which is what one would expect. Another almost 40% reported an increase in sexual activity, which raises the question, your question, why? Why would someone open up what had been so sacredly taken from them? I used to wonder why? I wasn’t walking down a street in thigh high boots, I wasn’t at some rager (is that how you even spell it) at a frat house. I was at a ‘apartment warming party’ with a co-worker and her boyfriend who were having issues. I was wearing jeans shorts and a cute shirt, still my go to comfy clothes. There was two other guys and one other girl…. Continue reading »

When will it be enough?

Why is it not enough? Why is my reluctance not enough to make you stop? Why is my “no” not enough? Why is my “no no no” not enough? Why are my clawing, shoving, desperately-trying-to-pull-my-pants-up hands not enough? Why is my cry of “oh god make it stop, please make it stop” still not enough for you? Why are my tears not enough? Why do I have to be violated and then told that I’m too young to recognize that women want a man who “takes charge in the bedroom”? Why does this have to happen over and over and over again all over the world? I am heartbroken for all my sisters who have endured the same pain. It is not fair that we have lost pieces of our souls after these monsters. It is not fair that the gaping wounds attract more predators, like sharks drawn to blood in the water, who tear… Continue reading »

I will never forget

All this start when i meet a boy when i was 16 he was my dream man who later will be my nightmare,i remember like today the day u do that too me,i was young and silly i believe in this world everybody is like me,naive as i was,i could never forget when i get into your car ,i was crying begging you to stop the car u just don’t listen i was just a sex doll for u not even human,u drive me to that shitty motel and raped me u see my face was covered with tears i was scared but u never care u just care for ur desire and after hours of it u leave me like trash in the middle of nowwhere with no money,u know i could not make a call beacuse of the society we live,in that day u don’t only rape me u destroy me trust in… Continue reading »

Hotel

I was out on a Friday night with my best friend at a nice hotel bar in the city. I was a little drunk, but not much. I met a nice man who laughed with me and showed me pictures of his dog. I decided to go back to his hotel with him (a decision that haunts me). Once we were back, I just remember having a bad feeling. I didn’t actually want to have sex. I only wanted to be out of the noisy bar. I felt myself not wanting to be there anymore. I don’t remember how my outfit came off, but I remember being on my back naked and him on top of me. I remember saying no a lot of times before he was inside me. After that, I remember him moving me around where he wanted me, me crying, him covering my mouth and also putting a pillow over my… Continue reading »

I was raped by a youtube personality and book author

I was raped by a youtube personality and book author and it kills me that he has fans and followers. I have not said this publicly and have held on to this for about 11 years now. About 11 years ago, I auditioned and worked on a project man was working on based on his book “dating advice” book for men. Though I did not care for his book – for I felt it was so inherently wrong, negative and extremely sexist – at the time I had hoped it was suppose to be comedy, but later learned he took every word he wrote seriously. So, at the time, I admired his accomplishments – he had fans and relative economic success through this book. When the project was ending, he asked me out. I was torn because I was both uncomfortable and flattered. I was open to dating, but at the time, I was mostly… Continue reading »

The same guy

To describe this experience in words is probably one of the hardest things someone could ask of me. How am I suppose to describe to people what I felt and make them understand it when I don’t even know that for myself. With that being said I will state the facts and tell what happened. I will do my best to describe my feelings but I’m in no way expecting anyone to understand because every victim goes through different experiences though our feelings may be similar they are still unique to the person and the story. Fact: I was raped by the same guy multiple times. The first time He took me on date to eat at taco casa and then asked me to come watch a movie with him at his home. When we got there his parents were gone and we were on the living room couch. He began to kiss me and… Continue reading »

Why wasn’t I able to say “NO!”?

I know I am seeking a sense of validation but it is hard for me not to. Part of me still does not believe that I was raped and I am wrong for saying that I was. Another part of me says that the more times I tell it to trusted and safe people the more I will believe it to be true and can move on. I finally talked to my therapist about the whole thing yesterday and told her the whole story. She was first person I told the entire story to. She talked me about this concept: tonic immobility. I have some more reading on this concept and it has helped some with my denial and self blame. This is a good article on it: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/sexual-assault-may-trigger-involuntary-paralysis/ So here is my story…When I was 17 or 18 (it was the summer eight after HS graduation and before I headed off to college) I… Continue reading »

I still feel like it’s my fault

I don’t know why I’m writing this but I’ve been reading all of these stories and felt the urge to speak. I don’t know if I was raped. I still deal with the guilt of feeling like I led him on in some way, told him I wanted it possibly (I have no recollection of most of the night), or any other factor that may “invalidate” my story, if that’s possible but what I do know is that I’ll forever regret the night I went out with him. So here goes…. It was last summer, July 2017. I met a guy at a mutual friends party. I had kindve known that he was an acquaintance of another guy I had briefly dated in the past dated so I definitely didn’t want to get into anything sexual or serious with him, just thought he was cute and we could go for food & drinks one day…. Continue reading »

I didn’t break up with him back then

I was in a relationship with my ex-boyfriend for round about 2 years I guess. We laid in bed and he wanted to have sex. So he started to kiss my neck and to touch me but I wasn’t in the mood so I told him. But he did not stop. He continued, started undressing me and I told him to stop over and over again but that did not stop him. I didn’t dare to fight back because I was afraid he was going to hurt me. ( even though he never put a hand on me before that ) When he was finished I started crying and he didn’t even know why. I never told anyone about this because I felt and still feel ashamed for something that isn’t even my fault. — Survivor, age 17

The rape apology and my reply

(I have changed the names of all people involved in this account.) This is quite a long account so I do apologise. Max, this is the message you sent me 8 years after I woke up to you on top of me after our college prom: Hi, I sincerely hope that life is treating you well and you are feeling good. I hope this message isn’t an intrusion on your happiness. But, f**k, I miss you like crazy. I understand that I was a special sort of C**t. I know that I don’t even warrant a thought. But I think of you often. I realise that my behaviour was beyond reprehensible. I just wish that I still knew you.Feel free to ignore this. I just turned 26 and know I still think about you daily and wish I had done the right thing for you and by you. I hope you have the best of… Continue reading »