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Losing My Virginity

When I was 16, I liked to pretend I was a rebel. I snuck out late with my best friend, drank alcohol, got too drunk. My parents were going through a bitter, violent separation and I think I acted out to get away from it all, as clichéd as it sounds. My 15 year old best friend was equally rebellious, and found herself a boyfriend who was 21. He was charming and complimentary, seemed so funny. But in retrospect must have been a loser or a pervert to want to hang out with 15 / 16 year old girls. My friend’s older brother found out she was going out with him and freaked out, told her parents and got her grounded. We had planned to go out that night, and I, not wanting to spend a night in with my family went out anyway. I was out of my depth, everyone at the pub was… Continue reading »

My Two Rapes

It’s taken me about 15 years to call my 1st time having sex what it really was-rape. As a mental health therapist who’s trained to know what abuse, sexual assault, rape is I’m not quite sure why it’s taken me this long. Maybe it’s because of my culture’s confusion about the definition of rape, it’s tendency to blame the survivors. Maybe it’s because I didn’t want to be a victim. I was 15 years old, in my 1st serious relationship. My boyfriend had been pressuring me for a month or so to have sex with him, unrelenting despite telling him I didn’t feel ready yet. I snuck out one night with him to go to a party. I didn’t have much experience drinking and I became drunk pretty quick. We went back to his house. I don’t think his family was home. I remember being in one if the bedrooms, I don’t think his at… Continue reading »

He Was My Boyfriend

Sometimes I have a hard time saying that what happened to me was rape. I feel like it takes away from legitimate experiences of it and that I’m just being stupid. But what better place to talk about it than here, right? I was 20 years old and he was my first everything. We met online and clicked. After about a month of seeing each other exclusively and having consensual sex I agreed to become his girlfriend. From this point on our relationship changed. He stopped making an effort to make me happy, and I was always compromising to make him happy. I’m not sure even today if he knows how much of myself I compromised for him. Our relationship began as a summer fling, but when school started things changed. Our schedules became so busy that we could only find time to see each other once a week, on Friday nights. We would text… Continue reading »

Date Rape

I was 23 and it was our 3rd “date.” We went to his house to watch movies and have pizza. I was okay with that because he lived with his mom and she was home. We ate and then went to his room. On the way up the stairs he grabbed my shoes from the front door area and brought them up with us. While watching the movie, we started making out, him on top of me. He reached down and unbuttoned my pants. At that point, I stopped him and said I wanted to take things slowly. We kept kissing and then he reached down again, so I stopped him and then got out from under him. As I was rolling away from him to get off the bed, he got on top of me so I was face down. He held me face down into the pillow with his forearm while he pulled… Continue reading »

Hundreds of Times

I don’t remember exactly when it started. I know it started when I was very small, still in diapers. The beginning memories are all light, color, sound, smell-no words, no names or descriptions attached. Then they get more visual, more defined, more acute and sharp and poignantly terrifying. Then they get monotonous, old, repetitive and full of shame, disgust, confusion. And they become intertwined within the hell that was the first 13 and years of my life. I was sexually abused by my father until I was almost 13 and a half. The first time I was raped when I was six, and it continued until a few months until my father was diagnosed with brain cancer when I was almost 14. It was a daily occurrence, happening sometimes multiple times in day, if he had free reign or the time to do it. He was the president of cardiology for my area. He was… Continue reading »

Incest

Not even sure where to start even though I have told my story before. From ages 1 to 7, I was sexual abused by my father. My uncle also sexual abused me last time when i was 12. I was date raped at age of 20. I am 47 years old now and when my son was born in 1995, it all started to come back to me. I have been working very hard since to make my son and my life livable. I could write how hard it has been, but for now want to make it clear that it still happens. I mean my dad denies it all, and I never confronted my uncle. Every time he does, it feels like the rape is going on again. My sister was the one how came to me saying she always remembered. But 2 years after she said it wasn’t true and took her words… Continue reading »

The Party

I was 14 years old at the time it happened. It was summer the end of august. The year was 2006. I liked football and hang around with hooligans because i thought there were cool people and just wanted to belong something. With my closest girlfriends at that time we went to a party and one of the “good looking guys” started to speak to me and flirt with me. 14 years old me, who hasn’t have any attention from guys before, was exciting. I remember that I wanted him to like me and he said to me that I should drink up my cider. I did and he gave me another and another. When I was basically drunk he took his arms around me, because I really couldn’t stand up. I remember he took me in to his laundry room in the house. He started to take of my jeans, my favorite pair. It… Continue reading »

Taking Back My Life

5 1/2 years ago, I was raped by someone I had hoped to have a relationship with. This is my first time sharing my story in a public forum, outside of therapy or close family or friends. We had been dating for a few months when he told me he didn want to see me anymore. I accepted it, and shortly after, perhaps later that week, I got a phone call from him. I didn want to talk to him, but still I answered. He wanted to come over and I told him no – I reminded him he broke up with me. I told him no, and he didn’t listen. In retrospect that was a big red flag. He showed up uninvited. I opened the door but told him I wanted him to leave. I felt unsettled. What was happening didn’t feel right, but at that moment I wasn’t scared – I was annoyed…. Continue reading »

Football Player

he guy who raped me was a 17 year football player & I was a 15 year virgin. I newly had been dating another boy but had kissed this football player a few times in the previous months at parties. On this night, he led me to his truck during a party. I was anxious, felt pressured and felt it was wrong because I had had a boyfriend although we weren’t having sex. It did not cross my mind that he had different ideas other than kissing. When I got into the back of truck I immediately felt uncomfortable and worried that other people might see me or notice I had left the party with him. We started kissing, then he pulled down my pants and felt him try to shove his penis into me. “No no no..stop!! I’m a virgin stop!! No!” He ignored me and kept going. Right when I felt him push… Continue reading »

Two Times

I had been seeing this guy for 5 months. We spent all of our time together. I even went spent time with his family fishing. Although we spent most of our time together, it was spent at the bar, or at home drinking. I was at a point in my life where I was trying to escape from the past, emotional abuse, and the abortion I had, so drinking seemed like a good idea. We had both had plenty to drink, but I still knew what was going on. As usual we were becoming intimate, and then he began to hurt me. I told him to stop, and he kept going, telling me how much I liked it. I couldn’t move, but I cried and yelled. I’m not sure how it ended, but I managed to walk home after despite hardly being able to walk. the next morning I noticed bruises, and couldn’t believe the… Continue reading »