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Why me?

I was 13 when I met my first boyfriend, he was 2 nearly 3 years older than me so at the time he was 15 soon to be turning 16. After about a month of being together he started to try and pressure me into doing sexual things with him. I remember him messaging me the night before asking me if I was ready and I would say that I was because I wanted to be ready, not for me but for him. But when it came to the day I couldn’t go through with it, I was only 13 after all. When I told him I couldn’t do it he got so angry and left me crying in our favorite spot in our local park/forest. After this day I was determined to not get scared and so the next few weeks we were building up to the “grand finale” but it wasn’t how I… Continue reading »

When will it be enough?

Why is it not enough? Why is my reluctance not enough to make you stop? Why is my “no” not enough? Why is my “no no no” not enough? Why are my clawing, shoving, desperately-trying-to-pull-my-pants-up hands not enough? Why is my cry of “oh god make it stop, please make it stop” still not enough for you? Why are my tears not enough? Why do I have to be violated and then told that I’m too young to recognize that women want a man who “takes charge in the bedroom”? Why does this have to happen over and over and over again all over the world? I am heartbroken for all my sisters who have endured the same pain. It is not fair that we have lost pieces of our souls after these monsters. It is not fair that the gaping wounds attract more predators, like sharks drawn to blood in the water, who tear… Continue reading »

I Came Home

I came home from school, funny because it was the same time everyday from the same bus. I walked in our house, and down the hall. The door was open so I could see my Dad was on top of my 5 year old sister, between her legs, and attempting sex. When our Mom passed, she made me promise to do anything to protect my sister. Being 12, I told our Dad to leave her alone. He could have it from me instead. I went to his room, so we could have our rooms to go safely, and got on his bed, removing my underwear. Dad had no issues exchanging partners. When he was finished, I took a shower, and started dinner like nothing was new or different. I treated it like a house chore. Whenever Dad wanted, I would go to his room, and then went to whatever I had to do next. Never… Continue reading »

you do what you gotta

I was homeless for a while. i was wit a boyfriend and we were suppose to get married, but never got to it. he found a new girlfriend and wanted me out. being he was the only one on the lease i didn’t have a choice. I was worked at a mail fulfillment warehouse, you know you pay shipping and handling, well they are the handling. they changed contracts and layed off half, and i was in that half. i had to survive jobless and homeless. i went through savings in days and ate what i found in trash or left on tables. the day i met him, i was at the Chester buss terminal begging for money. i was having a good day, when a cop threatened to take me in for panhandling. while he argued wit me, a man offered to take me to lunch. this was an offer i couldn’t refuse. we… Continue reading »

Survivor

I was raped for two years. And that was only the first person. During that two years there were others who tried and one who succeeded. All of this happened before my 18th birthday. My first relationship began when I was 16, it only took him a week into it to say if I didn’t start having sex he wasn’t going to stay with me. He was the first guy to really pay me any attention, a tale as old as time I know. So I had sex with him. And it was a first time that I don’t wish upon anyone. He picked me up and we drove to his mom’s townhouse. He wasted no time in taking off my clothes and pulling me into his bedroom. With no trace of romance or care he pushed himself inside of me and then got mad at me when I said I was in pain. Angrily… Continue reading »

I forgot, but then I remembered

He hit me in the back of the skull with a beer bottle. I didn’t have much time to prepare–we had gotten into a drunken argument and he lunged towards me. The last thing I remembered was the cold, hard glass snuffing out my consciousness. Everything remained dark for four years after that, until one day I remembered. I remembered laying on the ground, my head throbbing and my lungs fighting to breathe. I faded in and out of consciousness. Every time I came to I could hear his moaning, and felt him pushing himself inside of me. I was too weak to fight back, so I laid there while he took what he wanted from me. Afterwards he left, and I stayed in the same spot for hours until I finally found the strength to stand. I forgot, but then I remembered. Now I can’t seem to let it go. I’ll pray for you,… Continue reading »

Broken vase

A few weeks ago I was raped one Saturday night. It was by someone who I love dearly, and I want to trust completely- my boyfriend. We had become intimate and more affectionate with each other, and up until this point it was consensual and within my boundaries. We had healthy communication in our relationship, and I made it clear that I was not ready to go all the way and I wanted to get to know each other more. He agreed with me and was receptive and respectful of my standpoint. However, after a while I felt pressure to progress things further than I would have liked to. When it happened we had been kissing, cuddling and feeling each other. He wanted to take it further, and yet again I said ‘no, I’m not ready.’ so he listened, and held me in his arms until we nearly drifted off to sleep. I will be… Continue reading »

Close of a Brother

Growing up my brother would tell me we had to sick together because we were the only children who’s father was not around. My brother little by little starting age 6 he would kiss me then hump. eventually i was age 7 or 8 he’d begin having intercourse. To this day i hate seeing a man’s eyes roll in the back of his head while he is on top of me. I hated him Pumping on top of me. To make things worst my mother found him on top of me and beat us assuming it was mutual sex I’m guessing because he was only one year older This memory I pushed out of my head for years 20 years and now I’m realizing how much shame I felt I’m aware of the bad choices I made because of it. I’m also stuck because my family just moved my my brother still views me as… Continue reading »

Stop

A few weeks back I was raped. It was by someone who I love dearly and want to trust completely- my boyfriend. We were becoming more intimate and affectionate with each other, but I made it clear to him that I wasn’t ready to go all the way numerous times. We had communicated at length and established that we were both on the same page. But this night we had been intimate again, and I told him we should slow down. He was insistent, but eventually he listened and we dozed off in each other’s arms. I will be honest and say we weren’t wearing anything at this point- which is why I feel what happened was my fault. I was lying on his chest, and he moved out from under me. I tried to turn onto my back and move out of his way, but he pushed me onto my stomach again and got… Continue reading »

I am a survivor

The first time I was molested I was about 4 years old. I barely remember it. My birth mother was very poor and lived with who I’m assuming was a boyfriend or pimp. He used to take me in the bedroom and tell me to take off all my clothes. He would touch me and if I backed away or cried he would spray my eyes with a spray bottle so that I couldn’t stop him. I remember him forcing his fingers inside me and there being a lot of blood and pain. I remember this going on for a while until one day he tied me to the bed and raped me. I think I was 5. I don’t remember much of it happening it’s all blacked out. Shortly after my birth mother was doing prostitution and taught me to do oral to men for money as well. I have flashbacks and nightmares of… Continue reading »