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Childhood Abuse

I don’t know how to say this. But I’ve just started to have memory’s come back to me bits and pieces. I am 14 years old and a girl. My step sister would come over to visit,she is a year older than me. She would always wanna play games like where I would be the daddy and she would be the mommy. She would touch me and rub on me. If I told her I didn’t want to or if I said no and she kept going i would threaten to tell my mom and then she’d say she would blame me, say I wanted to and it was my idea me being younger I believed her. I don’t know what age I was I don’t remember. But the second time we moved into a new house. Next door there was a boy I don’t remember his name. But one day he came over to… Continue reading »

Life of Trauma

When I was 5 I was adopted with my brother and sister. That’s when the abuse started. There are a lot of memories that I have blacked out but I can’t get rid of everything. The abuse started with me since I was the oldest. At that time I just tried to protect my brother and sister.that caused more. Originally I was only slapped but it slowly graduated to the point where my adopted mom tried and treated to kill me. I remember many nights when she came home I wished that I could be perfect or dead because I knew she would choke and beat me. At 12 I tried running away but it was useless because she lied and the cops didn’t believe me. The following year I was 13 and playing a game of chess with my bother when she she came into the room. We happens to be talking about running… Continue reading »

Raped By My Therapist

I am a survivor of childhood abuse including sexual abuse by my father. In 1995, when I was 40 yrs of age, I started talking about the abuse to a social worker in my doctor’s office. He told me that he was the ex partner and father of the children of the woman who was then the director of the local rape crisis centre. Knowing this information made it easier to trust him. He arranged for me to go to a group for survivors of childhood sexual assault at the rape crisis centre. After seeing him for talk therapy sessions for a few months he told me that we would be meeting after my doctor and her staff had left for the day because my doctor needed the office space during her office hours. After I had been seeing him for about 8 months he asked me to go to his home for a session… Continue reading »

Enough Is Enough

I am now 22, at 18 I had my first real boyfriend, who completely mentally and emotionally abused me, but of course in that moment I was in complete denial of the whole situation. After about a year of going out, things were getting worse. One night while having sex I asked him to please stop because it was painful for me, he kept going and said “shhhh” and put his hand over my mouth. I was just so traumatized! I never went to the cops, I only told my friends after the relationship ended. So fast forward to early 2014. I meet this great guy, fall in love, as we got to know each other, I opened up about my past and he just kept putting me down asking why I never did anything; why didn’t I go to the cops, why didn’t I get him beaten up. The answer is that I was… Continue reading »

Betrayed By My Own Mind

I had a shower, and sat on the floor with my legs crossed and my head resting on the glass, for maybe a good 45 minutes trying to meditate or at least practice some mindfulness breathing that our marriage counsellor suggest I try. I can’t. I can’t for more than a few seconds just sit there and let the water flow over me and breathe, my hands twitch. I find myself unknowingly squeezing my hands or wringing them out almost. I have to stop myself and remind myself to breathe and be here and present and grounded. I even repeat in my head, ‘be grounded” to try and guide my mind. I feel almost infected with some kind of flesh eating disease that is eating me from the inside out. I struggle to be alone in my mind, because my thoughts fly through so fast and so quickly that I barely have a chance to… Continue reading »

The Same Effect

On several occasions, from when I was 7 up to last year (nothing yet this year) I have had to get out of situations that would have ended in rape, all different circumstances. The ones I experienced when I was around seven, were by young girls that I feel equally didn’t quite understand what they were doing was illegal and traumatizing and it seemed like a way of bullying with the way they conducted what they did. they also seemed to find it fun as if committing sexual acts with another female was a trendy thing around at that time (in the UK). The next main cluster of instances was with a boy I went out with when I was 11. He thought it was completely normal, or so he said, to be having sex with your girlfriend at 11. He was my age also, we met in high school. I didn’t have a clue… Continue reading »

No Wasn’t Good Enough

I was enlisted in the United States Army. I believed it was my chance to find my self and be courageous and to leave the sheltered area from where I was raised, to be a voice. After a deployment with my unit I came home, I was tired and worn out. I had settled in my small apartment that had been vacated my twin sister (who currently followed my footsteps and joined the army and was gone to basic training.) Little did I know that while I was gone she had found my biological brother who had been living on the streets. She offered the extra room in my apartment. So after a long waited time, I showered and found comfort sleeping in my own my bed. My brother came in around midnight, we spoke briefly and he then left. Around two am I heard him again, the house was black and I couldn’t see… Continue reading »

Flashbacks

I just don’t know how to start. It feels weird and I am ashamed, I feel dirty and I don’t have any self-esteem left. I am having a great boyfriend. We both are having a strong relationship and we are dating since five years and a half, I met him when I was 20. We had up and downs, like every relationship does but my boyfriend was the first person I slept with. It was a new and great experience for me – I have been always very distrustful and I was scared of men who touched me. I could never enjoy intimate contact to other men but everything changed when I met my boyfriend. I told him that I cannot enjoy sexual things because something, that I displaced, happened to me in the past. He accepted it and waited until I was ready, he showed me that having consensual Sex wasn’t bad, he showed… Continue reading »

Why Me?

When I was 15, my boyfriend asked me if we could have sex or any sexual contact, I said no I wasn’t ready. We had been dating for 2 months. 2 nights after he asked me, he took me out to see a movie. We sat in the back and he put his arm around me. Half way through the movie he put his hand on my thigh and started moving upwards toward my private area. I moved my hand and told him to stop. He did, but only for a few seconds. He then tried to stick his hand up my bra. I moved his hand and got up, walked away. I left the theater in hopes of never seeing him the rest of the night. I was wrong. A quarter of the way to my house, he drove by me. He apologized and wanted to have me sleep over his house, I thought… Continue reading »

My Story

One day I was walking down the street at about 5 P.M., 15 days after my 15th birthday. At the time, I was in Mexico. A man rushed down the street, looked at me frantically, and said, “You’re in danger. Please come with me.” I followed him and eventually we got into his car. We drove for a while. When I asked him what was the danger I was in, he said, “There are people following you.” Eventually, we arrived at a secluded ranch. We went inside and he told me to change into new clothes so that the people won’t recognize me. He led me into the basement and I went behind a set of foldable walls, where there were clothes that looked about my size. I stripped off my shirt and bra, and was about to put on a new shirt when he came around and picked me up. I pounded on him… Continue reading »