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An older cousin

I was a friendly, feisty little girl. The youngest of four. With two older brothers and an older sister, I learned how to take care of myself and appear tough. I was 5 when I learned my only power against bigger, stronger boys was to hit them in their crotch. Both of my parents were full time working parents. My siblings and I were on our own during the day in the summers. We had a lot of freedom that I wouldn’t give to my children, but it was a different time. I don’t know what year it was. I don’t know the month. I don’t know what day of the week or the time of day. But I do remember what I was doing, where I was and what he said. I was sitting in my brothers’ bedroom on their bed, playing Mario on the Nintendo. He came in and sat next to me…. Continue reading »

I’ve survived sexual abuse

As a kid I was a molested from the time I was 5 until 15. I married to leave my house. Got pregnant and divorced soon after. Then I found myself in a very controlling relationship. Found myself pregnant again which are lost that child due to a DUI driver almost lost my life but God seem to be there for me because he saved my life. I was severely emotionally unstable. I thought to help with my pain that carrying life inside me what to help ease it somehow. That made things worse I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me with someone very close to me after he choked me till I passed out and took me and dumped me in my parents driveway and left me now I was pregnant with one child and single and dealing with the life of a death of a child still not have dealt with… Continue reading »

My rape story

When I was 10 years old my father raped me in a bathtub and told me it was my fault. Then the next day he sent my brother to my uncles and I was alone with him and his girl friend next thing I know I tied down while he rapes me his girl friend laughs this continually happened until I was 14 my father and his girl friend kept this up and then my father had my cousin join and I hate myself every day because mom tells me sometimes that it is my fault. , and when I finally told my mom and she didn’t want to look at me but she called the cops and they arrested both my father and his girlfriend. And I had always felt that it was my fault so I tried to kill my self. I have bad dreams to this day and I am about to… Continue reading »

I was 4 yrs old

And the rape affects me every day. Now I am 55 yrs old. My heart breaks for people who have lost their lives or their loved ones to violent or other types of crimes. I know their struggle is probably worse than mine. But I am in pain. I have always been ashamed, remorseful (though I think it was not my fault as I was a tiny child), and I am damaged. 51 years ago some boy or man decided he could use my body for his pleasure or obsession or whatever. And I will never get over it. My family doesn’t understand, my friends don’t understand and I probably won’t figure this out in my lifetime. Talk to your kids. Keep them safe. If they are 4 years old don’t let them wander around the neighborhood. Even if it’s a “nice” neighborhood.

sexual assault

I remember i had not long broken up from my first love Oliver and not long after i was used for a one night stand i met Aaron, at first things were going well, or so i thought, there was a couple of times that he had tried to force his private parts into my mouth but i remember i kept saying no because i don’t like doing oral. But i remember on the 3rd of July 2 years ago i had, had a few drinks in my dads house and i remember i felt quite drunk and i remember i was in my bed on my phone but trying to sleep and i remember him coming into my room and he stripped down to his boxers and climbed on top of me and pulled his boxers down a bit so his privates were showing and i remember he kept trying to put them into… Continue reading »

The One I Called Papa

I was born from a marriageless relationship. My mother decided to stop any connection with my biological father due to cultural & religion differences which will make things difficult for both of them & realised she is having me, later. As she was growing up, my mother was given away from one relative to another, raised by her aunt who couldn’t give her proper love, she grew up strong & independant, protecting & supporting her family during extreme poverty. She decided to keep me as she believe a child belongs to grow & receive love from a mother which she didn’t get to experience. After having me, she continued working & I was taken care by my grandmother (my mothers aunt who took care of her). When I was between age 1-6 y/o, she met my step-father. I became instantly attached to him & called him papa. My mother wanted me to feel how is… Continue reading »

I’m tired of hiding what you did

The basics: I had fallen asleep on the basement rec room sofa watching movies. I woke up to a man in a ninja outfit on top of me with a knife to my throat, removing my panties. He was inside me before my head had cleared. Apparently, this was not enough, and he needed to remove his gloves to feel my chest properly. I recognized the scar on the back of his wrist. I kept the observation to myself as he did the deed. The only thing I hoped was he wouldn’t come in me. More disappointment, and he had to do that to me also. He told me to keep that our little secret. It was weeks of worry, about getting STDs, or pregnant, that I kept that anything happened to myself, not protecting you, who did nothing to protect me, your sister. I know it was Luke, and I can’t say it, but… Continue reading »

A Close Call With Family

This is a poem to my demon Thank you for causing my depression Thank you for attempting to do something I thought would never happen to me Thank you for letting me see how life really is (I now know that I can trust no one) You took a 13 year old, broke her and tore her world apart Caused the darkness to enter her life Put her on a path to self-destruction I hope it still haunts you the way it haunts me I hope that Everytime you look in the mirror you remember what you did I hope you lay awake every night thinking about it I hope you when you look in the mirror you feel a sense of disgust I hope it leads you to the breaking point like it did me I hope, I hope you fall off the edge like I failed to do. There’s lots of things I… Continue reading »

Grandpa

I cant say how old i was when it started for sure. Ive been having nightmares alot lately about it. I have spoken to anyone professionally about it but I am considering it more and more these days. I can remember being really young and him licking my privates. Or taking me in the back bedroom of the trailer when he babysat my older sister and I, he would take me in there and touch me or force me to touch him even tried to penetrate me. He never touched my sister just me. We could have family around and I could feel him staring and if we sat across from each other in the living room he had a way of pulling his privates out where i would see them even if other people were around. We were babysat by him for years and he would come at night too wearing his bikini underwear… Continue reading »

My first boyfriend in the US

It was 2010, and I had just moved from my birth country without a clue about where I was standing. I was hopeful because it was an opportunity that made me think I was blessed. it was my freshmen year in high school, and on my first day at lunch you found out about me, the new Colombian girl in school. you were Colombian too. we connected just because we both thought we had a lot in common. you were two and a half years older than me. God, if I could go back in time I would tell myself to run, tell myself to just say no when you asked me out for a date, or to not go to Laura’s house. I thought it was nice that you were affectionate, I never expected that I would mean you could force me to go into a bathroom in an empty apartment and orally rape… Continue reading »