I was very young maybe 3 when my uncle used to raped my older sister. I can not remember exact situations, all is mixed in my mind, but I was exposed to what happened. He didn’t rape me, but he use to expose himself to me, and touched me saying it was to make me feel happy and good. He worked in my mind, and in my sister’s to make us love him, and trust him and stay quiet. He was perverted, cause he play chess with young minds.
I think that is why a victim gets confused, cause they mix love and abuse in such a blurry way. My sister took all the abuse in the middle of a painful silence, while I used to think that sexual activity was like a game, like playing in a park. I knew something was wrong, he used to say we should’t say anything or my dad will love us no more. I felt guilty but didn’t know why until I was like 7, when at school an older boy started to touched me, a teacher noticed it and told me I was very bad and dirty…a whore. She didn’t do more, now I wish she said something.
My mother figured what happened with my sister when i was 10 and my father started a process, nevertheless his love for his brother was big. He let my uncle to leave, I learned later, like at the age of 15 that he abused and rape more of my cousins. I wasn’t a victim of rape at that moment, but I was abused and molested. I didn’t understand how my body supposed to be respected and not only use. By the age of 13 another relative came to our house and started to molested me. He was 24, I felt like dirty but it didn’t make sense in my mind to say anything, I remember I thought he was only trying to make me feel good, even when i said no (Exactly what my uncle putted in my head before) but I KNEW it was wrong. That started another process in my mind… My body was the way I was going to use to relate to male gender for a long time, I engaged in a promiscuous life.
I am 40 now .I was unfaithful to my husband. I couldn’t stop for a long time! God is good, someone talked to me and showed me my innocence was shattered. I was a victim, but that also I was able to not let that person take more of my life by living the life he showed me, that friend told me that I needed to stop. I have to say it wasn’t easy. I was being unfaithful for a long time, with several persons. I didn’t even enjoyed physical intercourse, every time it was making me feel worst… I confessed to my husband what I was going through. He almost left me, for a long time he stayed at home but didn’t treat me like a wife… he respected me though! God is good! He forgave me, but I can feel how he is sometimes hunted by my past. I think he doesn’t understand that i was carrying with the idea that I was trash, dirty, ugly the worst, and if I was like that…who cares how used me?
As I said…God is good, I am a new person, I am in a process for healing I know now that my mind and body are sacred and i don’t have to live like if I am not whole, God made me complete!
Being honest sometimes I imagine to go back to my uncle’s and that other relative’s town and tell all our family what they did…but they knew!!! All of them protected them.
In my heart I am in a process of forgive that uncle, some times I even pray for him…but I am not near to him AT ALL
I want to tell all the women and men with shattered childhood. There is hope and forgiveness I know I am still in a process, but there is a way for each one of us. Love is sacred.
— Survivor, age 40