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Sexually Assaulted or Not?

I don’t want to call myself a victim or to say that I was almost raped because rape is a veery big word for me, but probably it was my fault, maybe nothing really happened, maybe something happened but it was not such a big things as I make it seem, the only thing that I know is that I can’t forget that day, I have nightmares about it, I just can’t getting out my mind. So what happened was, I was on vacations in Dominican Republic, I met some guys that were my grandma’s neighbors, they were good at first, but then they turned really sexual, specially 2 guys, one of them would always touch my inappropriately, try to pull down my pants or try to kiss me when I didn’t want to, also he would grab my hand and pull it down his pants, the other one always tried to convince me to have sex with him, kiss me without permission, things like that. I never liked what they did, I was only 13, but I never said a word u ntil this day, I’m such an idiot. One day it went too far with one of the guys, I was at their house trying to take a nap at one of the rooms all by myself, this guy came in to the room and laid down next to me, and I was like don’t even try. He said he only wanted to talk, and so stupid I was I stayed there, I still can’t believe I did stay. so he started talking about how much he loved me and that he wanted to be with me, and stuff like that, I kept saying no to him because I was not interested, he kept on talking and talking and then he realized I didn’t want to be there so he turned and stayed in top of me, I was just telling him no I don’t want anything, I didn’t really think he was going to do anything. He started kissing me, I was saying no, never screamed, jus moved my face side to side so he couldn’t kiss me, then he pulled up my top, I was frozen, I didn’t move, I didn’t talk, I deserve it, why didn’t I do anything. then he started kissing me there and then went down to my pants, pull them down and just started kissing me, I didn’t like anything he did, I was just waiting for it to be over. After that I put my top down, my pants up and walked back to my grandma’s house like nothing happened, locked myself int eh bathroom and started crying. Until this day I still have nightmares of me getting raped and other people too. I feel so guilty and dirty, why didn’t I do anything, I was so stupid. I can’t believe it.

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