Back in 1998/1999 I was 9 years old. It is 2017 now and you would think I would just simply forget about what happened, but it never goes away. I always think about it, just never talk about it. The last few months I found myself finally having the courage on talking with a therapist about it, but after 2 months I still have not truly talked about it. I keep on going right on the edge of saying it all, but it just will not happen. So, after searching online I found this place, and I figured I would add my story.
So, I was a student at Grace Christian School in Norwalk, California. Normal girl, tons of friends, nothing out of the ordinary for me. The school had this P.E. instructor, I never took the P.E. class but he also offered karate lessons after school. The lessons took place in one of the empty classrooms. At first it was me and 5 other students, 3 boys and 2 girls. Eventually only me and one of the other girls remained, I sorta knew her but she was one grade above me and I never talked with her much.
My guess is that a couple months go by, and my grandparents decided that I should take private lessons at his house (I lived with my grandparents and I am sure they did it so that they could have an extra hour or so to themselves). The instructor made it to wear both me and the other girl could practice at his house. My guess is that everybody was okay with this.
For some reason it was just me and the instructor, but the other girl did show up on occasion. I think she did quit after a few more months, but I am not positive.
So, just me and the instructor. I was comfortable with him, never had any problems.
He had me take a shower so that I could be clean before my grandma picked me up, not sure why my grandma was okay with this as she obviously noticed I just had a shower, but nothing ever came up about it. For me I think this should have been a red flag for my grandma, just the idea of taking a shower in his house should have seemed strange.
He had a massage table and he started giving me massages before and after our class. I know that I was eventually naked on the table, I know I was hesitant about this. but I guess I just did it. I remember this happening maybe a dozen times.
He eventually joined me in the shower. I think he had this stupid excuse of saving money on the water bill. He was naked with me, and I was seriously just frozen about it all, I just acted like it was normal and okay. I think it was dumb of me on not saying anything, not telling my grandparents, and going back and acting like it was okay.
I’m not sure how it happened but I gave him a blowjob. Not easy writing that line. It was not my idea but I just did it for some reason. Maybe I did it just to keep everything okay between us? What I do remember (sorry for the graphic words) is that I ended up choking on my own vomit at one time, it was all over me and the floor when I was done throwing up. I know some of it was on his legs and I know I was worried that he would be mad at me! I don’t remember what else happened after that but I believe that was all he did with me that day.
During the massages he started fingering me. I think this was a week or so after I gave him a blowjob, but it could have been just a few weeks before. I don’t know.
Why I never told anybody is beyond me! I blame myself for this. I could have ended it before that next time I would see him, but I did not. I think i didn’t say anything because I didn’t want my grandparents to think I was a quieter.
So, blowjobs and massages and showers became normal. Never was happy with it.
Not sure what day or month it was, I am sure it was early 1999, maybe a couple months before school was out. I must have been with him taking “karate” lessons for 6 or so months when he finally did it. He had me on the floor when he raped me. I still had part of my karate uniform on when he did it. I know I screamed. I know I cried. I also know I just did nothing and let him do it. I was 9 years old. When he was done he took me to the bathroom and had me take a shower. I remember the blood. I remember the pain.
After that rape I just did nothing. I told my grandma nothing when she picked me up that day. I think I told her that I got a couple good bruises from my karate lesson. I don’t remember anything else about that afternoon.
I was raped a few more times over the next few months. He did not do it every time I was with him, not sure why.
When school ended the karate stuff was over. Only reason why it was over was because my grandpa wanted to coach one of the little league baseball teams and I joined the team. had no more time for karate.
The next year and that karate/P.E. instructor was no longer at the school. It was a private school and it was nothing new for teachers to come and go, I am sure he got some kind of job at another school.
Knowing I should never blame myself for what happened but I do blame myself. I could have said something. I am mostly mad at myself on how I let him do one little thing after the next and constantly making it worse for me. I should have talked right after that first massage.
I will be 28 in August. I now live in Bullhead City, Arizona, with no plans on ever going back to hometown of Norwalk. I am still single, no children yet. Sex is not easy for me, I have panicked a few times when I come close to having consensual sex. Not a fan of relationships but hopefully that will change.
Now that I have typed this out I think I will print it out and read it when I see my therapist again.
Sorry for everybody who has gone through this.
— Heather, age 37
Dear Heather – first of all, I wouldn’t at all think you would “simply forget about what happened”. Much as I wish it were, that isn’t how trauma works. It’s not your fault that you didn’t tell anyone – you did the best you could and it’s not an easy thing to tell. It should be since what happened WAS NOT YOUR FAULT but it’s so hard to bring up. You’re talking about it now and I think printing it out to read to your therapist is a great idea! I know a couple of months FEELS like a really long time to have not “really” talked about what happened but the truth is that it can take a long time. It’s not a reflection on you – it’s just a reflection of this being really hard to talk about AND you not being used to talking about it. You can do this – I believe in you! Love, Alexis
Dear Heather,
I am glad you have found this place which is ok to share your story. I have come here at times myself to read and sometimes to add a comment to a brave story writers blog. It is a place you can come to be yourself amongst others that understand even if the rest of the world seems to be caving in around you or your feeling alone or isolated in your situation. I haven’t yet written my own story in full.
I too was abused a long time ago. I am also slowly writing down my details. I have been going over and over them and finding that I am repeating what I have written. Apparently & according to my counsellor it is good to repeat things over and over even to your therapist out loud because by doing this it becomes easier to speak about. Like you some of my words do not yet come out. Do not think that you are the only one who has trouble getting the words out and only getting to a certain point – it is ok. these things take time. You will get there -I know. Be patient and kind to your self.
Like Alexis said I am glad that you took the step to write out your details of the trauma and yes It is a great Idea to print out what you wrote and give it to your therapist. Please remember when you are talking with your therapist about your trauma – that it is not your fault at all and that it is ok to speak up but with that all that is going on in your heart it may still take some time to come out. Be kind to that 9 yr old girl that grew up to be a brave and strong woman.
we all support you and are thinking of you.