Rape: you think it will never happen to you. You have a right group of friends. People you’d lay your life down on the line for. You have people you trust in your life. People you truly believe could never hurt you. That would rather die before seeing you in pain. But that’s not how real life works. People aren’t all good. You never truly know someone o their intentions. When I met you I got a bad vibe from you. But then we became friends, and I shrugged the vibe away and told myself you were cool. We got closer each day. I told you my secrets. You told me yours. I confided in you when I was dealing with problems. And you listened and you were there for support. You were always there just listening. Being the good friend that I needed. I felt like when we became friends a part of me that was missing became whole. I needed someone like you in my life. We became best friends. Inseparable. But of course there’s the saying you can' ;t just be friends with a guy. I never looked at you in a romantic way. The idea of us ever being more than friends was a foreign land. A concept I never could get my mind to even consider. To me you were just my best friend. Someone I felt safe with. People would laugh and joke and ask why weren’t we dating. I would always laugh and say we aren’t like that. We’re just friends. For me that was the honest truth. You were just my friend nothing more. But looking back I remember you never saying anything. Just being awkwardly quiet and shrugging and going back to what you were doing. I never thought anything of it. I always thought that was you agreeing with my answer. God I wish I knew I was wrong. I wish you had been honest with me. Told me from the start where you stood. But for almost a year…………you kept those feelings and thoughts to yourself. I feel stupid thinking back now. There were so many signs. I just wasn’t paying attention because I guess I just would never see you that way. But others saw. They saw the way you’d look at me. The way you’d enjoy being around me. How natural it was for us to be friends. You didn’t like my boyfriend. But you kept that to yourself until the end of our friendship. You got a little bit more bolder towards the end. Started expressing your feelings more. I began to have suspicions but I denied them because you were just my friend and nothing more. Anytime my bf and I would fight you were there. Never trying to make a move but to listen. Give advice. You always made me feel safe. Until you did what you did. You knew I was getting fucked up that night. Never once did I ever soberly give you any indication I ever wanted you. I remember taking the drinks down one shot two shots three shots four shouts a margarita and more alcohol. I mixed everything that night. By the time we got to our destination I had three shots in my and was defiantly feeling buzzed and a little gone. I was start ing to walk weird. We hung out for a while and by the time we got to the beach I was gone. You said I was walking and talking perfectly fine. I don’t remember it except in bits and pieces. And it’s still so unclear. I just remember walking in the water with you and freaking out because I was in the ocean. I never went in the ocean. I remember walking on the beach and you saying “I’ve always wanted to have sex on the beach.” I think I said me too. But I don’t remember saying let’s have sex right now. You said I was walking and talking fine. You said it was my idea to have sex on the beach. All I remember next is being laid down and you on top of me and looking up at the stars and thinking no what’s happening and blacking out. Then coming too because I remember there being sand rubbing on my back and hurting me. I remember saying stop because I was uncomfortable. Then blacking out again. I don’t remember if we stopped or kept going. I think we go t up and walked around some more. More like me stumbling around. I think I kept asking if we had just had sex. I remember you telling me to lay down somewhere and I did. That’s it. Next thing I remember is you trying to get me back to the car. Then I vaguely remember throwing up on the side of the road. And passed back out. When I woke up I was in your bed and you were cuddling me. All I wanted was to go home. I needed to get away from you. How could someone I trusted violate me like that. You looked at me that night and knew I was intoxicated and thought having sex would be a good idea. I will always believe you mentioned sex on the beach to see if the drunk me would agree because you knew sober me never would touch you like that. I would have never done what you did to me. I remember screaming at you on the phone the next day. Saying if the shoes were swapped I would have never suggested sex to begin with. I would have seen how drunk you were and taken you back to your place. Even if you were trying to pin me down and demand sexy I would still rather reject you and let you be mad at me all night rather have sex with you while you’re intoxicated. Because I know that consent doesn’t count or mean anything if you’re blacked out and can’t even function properly. Even if I was functioning properly you as my best friend should have thought “hmmmm she’s taken a lot of alcohol and mixed her drinks she’s not going to be okay or is not thinking straight.” I just remember laying there before blacking out and thinking no this can’t happen. But I can’t remember being able to yell or push you off. I just blacked out. While you had sex with me. With a girl who was blacked out and limp and couldn’t move. Why? Why did you think what you were doing was conceptual?!? I would have NEVER done you like that. Never. You were my best friend. Now I’m stuck with this secret that I can’t tell. I just keep trying to replay the event over and over. I’m filled with such anger and hatred for you. You betrayed me. You of all people who I thought would never hurt me. You betrayed me. And all you’re upset about is losing my friendship. You disgust me.