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I Thought He Loved Me

I don’t know how to start this…

Well, I had a horrible teenage life getting bullied…and all I ever wanted was love and to be wanted. I would try to fit in, but I would attract the people that would see me as an easy target. I got raped by two guys that were in year 12. I was only 13. This was in 2010. Time went by and I had to get myself out of Goolwa Beach. I felt like I was only wasting away in my bedroom.

Once I got out of there, I moved around to find myself. Things looked positive. In 2014, I went online not looking for a boyfriend, just someone to talk to. I came across a guy and we had, what I thought was, a big connection. We talked for over three months. He then came to Perth to meet me. I hadn’t ever felt so excited because he made me feel wanted. I told him everything about my past. I hadn’t opened up so much to someone. Well we met we were love birds. He spent five days in Perth and then went back to QLD (Brisbane).

I felt so lonely without him. He kept saying “move over.” He kept asking, and I did so because I didn’t want to lose him. I had only three bags. I left my new job and mother leaving my mother was a big thing and you’d understand if you were a woman. Months went by sometimes he’d say nasty things like, “no one would want you because you are mentally f*cked because of your past.” etc. That hurt big time, but I kept telling myself its a normal relationship.

On a Friday that I can remember everything was fine that morning, but when he started drinking for the first time things got really bad. He kept asking me to make this noise that he used to make when he was in a gang. I did because I only wanted him to get into bed because he was drunk. I then turned the light’s off and we started talking he said, “one day I am going to marry you I love you so much.” Only to start grabbing me and saying “F*ck me.” I said, “no please you are drunk.” He then slapped me and ripped all my clothes off. I tried screaming and tapping on the floor boards but every time I would do so, he would either drag me by the hair back into bed. He’d start chocking me until I nearly blacked out. He bit me all over my body and punched me. When he got off, he let me go. I went running down the stairs crying, “please help me and dropped to the floor sobbing.” That night I spent in hospital because I was suicidal. I was so hurt and confused I’d ask myself, “why?”

The next day I went back to the house he said “I blacked out.” He started crying in my arms. I still stayed with him I never could hug nor kiss him for a long while but after two months I felt like I had to or there wouldn’t be any point being there. I still loved him…His good side anyway.

After three months had passed, he started getting very controlling. He would only let me eat what had my name on it being only so little amounts of food. He said if I ate what didn’t have my name on it I would get fat. At that time I was 54kg’s. I am 5’5 foot. So I wasn’t under nor over weight. He was a personal trainer so I thought he was only helping me get fit. He’d check girls out in front of me and I’d say “when you are in a relationship you only have eyes for the one you love.”

Moving on, two months later we had a fight. He took my phone off me. I said “enough is enough ” I started hitting him. He then grabbed me by the hair and slammed me into the wall. I saw the dark side come out. My head started bleeding. I couldn’t stop crying “please take me to a hospital please.” He replied, “don’t be rude you will wake people up next door.” I sat there crying. I couldn’t call the police because he made threats to kill my mother. I know he would because he used to be in a gang…so I kept that to myself.

After a while it got to the point that I was so scared for my life. I started going to women’s group, I ended up getting help from DV Connect and they sent me to hotels. But I would always go back because I wanted some kind of love. I knew deep down it wasn’t real love, but it was partly something. I ended up cutting my leg up because I felt so empty. I couldn’t eat because I was so worried about getting fat. I thought that I wasn’t aloud to be happy. I kept cutting my leg up. I sent him the photo and said “look what you’ve done to me.” I wanted to have comfort he said “Don’t expect me to see you because I have work.” That hurt so much because that alone showed that he didn’t want to comfort me. I wasn’t important enough.

Anyway, he called and we planed to go fishing his friend picked me up. They were in the car…something didn’t feel right. I had a bad feeling. He did not give me attention. He was too busy talking to random people on our last day together. I started talking to this girl he was friends with. She had a thing with him, it was just a one night stand. She wanted more, but he didn’t. So she started texting saying things like, “He is a user. He cheated on you.”

I went to ask him. He flipped out and went crazy. He showed me messages of her saying “you have to leave her.” But on the way back to the hotel, he drugged me and laughed. He said, “Shut the f*ck up. You only got raped because you are a slut.” He knew the things he said would affect me due to my past. When we got to the hotel, he started going even more crazy. He pushed me to the ground. I started screaming. He then went running. I thought he had gone. I then left to stay with grandparents in south Australia. At this moment writing this I can’t express the pain. I overdosed only for a day and I’m still suffering. He had sent me naked photos even a photo of someone he slept with behind my back.

I will always ask myself “why me?” I am so sorry for everyone facing horrible domestic violence .Just know that coming onto this website is one step forward…thanks for reading.

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