It was the second semester of my sophomore year in college. I recently just got out of breakup and was still dealing with a loss in my family. Pretty much a depressing stage of my life that I was so willingly eager to escape. I wanted to take on my second semester by storm and heal but I realized I was still hurting and vulnerable. Classes were in session and I shared this a class with a boy that I always found very interesting and attractive. We often became partners on assignments in class and I grew very closer with him. I started opening myself up to him and he did little by little as well but not so much as I did. We became good associates. He would compliment me on my outfits and hair; and sometimes ask to hangout after class with him. I started to like him, he took so much distractions off my depression with his humor and charm. I would be so excited to go to class just to see him. As time progresses we start to flirt more heavily, sexually tha n often. One night he texted me to come over; the night I truly regret to this very day. He asked me to come over to his dorm it was midnight or so but I had this logic that even if I didn’t want to have sex with him tonight we would just cuddle and go to sleep because he was my friend. I came to his dorm and he was being so discreet it bothered me a little; it was like he didn’t want to be seen with me. Of course, I paid it no mind because I was oblivious because I just was delighted to come to him room for the night I guess. We get into his bed and my body begun to shake and I was very nervous. I thought the nerves would stop but they only got worse as he begun to feel me up. He turned his face to me and I kissed him to ease my nerves but he didn’t kiss me back instead he sucked on my neck and prepare to pull my pants off. I was still nervous at this point I know now he wanted to have sex but I wasn’t sexually stimulated or in the mood to do so. Before, he ins erts his penis I told him “I didn’t think I want to do it anymore” he paused and asked if I was sure but I didn’t say anything. I was completely mute but he didn’t even give me a chance to answer he proceeded and I laid there feeling nothing but numb. He asked me to get on top and I almost proceeded it was like I had 0 control over my body and I finally gain back my control just in time and I said “NO!, I’m leaving” I put my pants back on and he watched and said “You better not tell anyone about this, you understand?” As I left his dorm, I was so confused, lost, hurt, every traumatic feeling I could ever feel, I felt that night. It didn’t occur to me that I was raped until the next day. I told my “friends” but they proceeded to victim blame me. I skipped classes until it was Easter break. I didn’t feel safe anymore and I told my mother everything and the final result was to withdraw from my college because I was s o behind and the trauma I was going through didn’t help at all. I wanted to kill myself just about everyday, the flashbacks, the blaming, the loneliness, etc. I felt was a never ending process. And it was all over a boy that I thought was my friend. Everything that I found attracted about him turned into a nightmare. The worst part of this story is that I took the blame not him. I am the victim that he doesn’t ever have to worry about, because he believes he didn’t do anything wrong. So all and all I guess the readers on here would say it wasn’t my fault but some days I think it is but other day I know he was wrong. He was a wolf hidden in sheep clothing and I was his prey.
— Jocelyn, age 20