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Ashamed

Four years ago, my ex partner had raped me. I remember everything like it was yesterday.

He lives on an island, and to get there you would have to take a boat, and his dad worked on the boat. My nightmares would always either be me stuck on the island or missing the boat back. Some of them would be his dad yelling at me, and drowning me. Every time I wake up I feel so afraid. My current partner doesn’t understand why I sometimes can’t sleep.

We were watching a movie, and I had got up to take a shower. When I got back he was laying on his back on the couch touching himself. I told him I wasn’t in the mood and I sat down, only in a t-shirt and a pair of underwear. It was so easy for him to abuse me.

I remember fighting, and pushing away, but it just thrilled him more, after he was finished, he got dressed again, and continued to watch the television. I got up, unable to go home that night because I was trapped on the island where he lived, and the boats were closed for the night.
I remember laying down on the bed, curling up under the covers and crying so quietly to myself, fearing that he might hear me.
I remember leaving the next day, and standing in front of the police station but not getting the courage to go in.

I had broke up with him, and told him the reason why after he had called and harassed me a bunch of times. He then came over to my house unannounced and begged for me back. I was too ashamed to tell my parents what happened, and I had went back with him out of fear.

Two months later, I remember getting into a fight with him. Yelling, and throwing things around. He pinned me to the wall and tried to have sex with me again, grabbing my neck as well. I got really mad and he let go, and I had grabbed most of my things and ran down the street as fast as I could. He grabbed me in the middle of the road, and I was yelling and screaming telling him to let me go and if he didn’t I would call the police. Everyone just watched and did nothing as he tried to force me back to his house.

I remember grabbing his neck as hard as I could to get him to let go of me, and then I took off down the street even faster. I ran and hid in the woman’s bathroom with my feet and my things tucked up onto the toilet with the stall door closed. He ran in there yelling my name but couldn’t find me.
I went home and cried, it wasn’t the first time he had forced me to stay at his house, but it was the first time I got away. I broke up with him again. I went back with him out of fear, and then one day I got the courage and I said enough was enough.

I broke up with him in august 2010. I went to the police, and they dropped every charge I tried to press, except for criminal harassment. He broke his restraint order during this, and the police didn’t do anything. He came over to my house on my baby brothers birthday and tried to punch my stepdad and tried to run over my cat.
I was devastated. I had moved away, and my parents moved far away all because of this guy. I felt like it was all my fault. The trial never went through for the criminal harassment and he only got a $500 fine. His parents even tried to pay me off with $200 to drop any charges, but the police still did nothing.

Every day I am so afraid of seeing him, or his family. I am scared of him hurting the people I love or trapping me again.
No one understands how I feel and I am petrified of staying by myself in my own home. My boyfriend doesn’t understand why I am the way I am, and it breaks my heart that I am the one who has to live in this prison called my body and mind, while he lives his life free of everything.

I can’t even get counseling for what had happened…
I wish I could just get this weight off of me.

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