I was an 18 year old when it happened. Luckily I wasn’t a virgin – I had previously had sex that year for the first time with my then long-term boyfriend, who I loved. Friends called me a “prude” because I made him wait so long. When we were broken up, it happened.
I grew up in a loving family and lived a very privilege life. So did he… in fact, I knew him in grade school. His sister went to my high school. She and I carpooled to school together growing up. His family raised him with love, gave him an excellent education and he never wanted for anything money could buy.
On vacation at a popular resort where many families from our hometown area went, I got drunk – very drunk. I remember going to the beach with him and kissing, but then the next I remember I woke up while he was inside me. I was out cold… I tried to push him off me, and remember saying “no no,” but then I blacked out again and the next time I woke up he was inside me again. This time I knew I had to get away from him so I rolled off the lounge chair into the sand. I remember stumbling away. I could barely walk. He let me go…
Within the next few days he wrote me a note over email. It was apologetic. I ignored it. My friend told me not to think about it and made me feel ashamed, so I tried to forget. I never told my family or the police. I still to this day feel ashamed… I wonder if it really counts as rape… Does it? I was drunk and kissing him, but I never ever would have wanted to have sex with him. That just wasn’t me…
I wasn’t ready to have sex again for 4 years. Ever since I have been very particular about whom I will let close to me. I think it has made me stronger… I guess.
This was over 10 years ago. This documentary made me feel like I should say something or at least that it would be therapeutic to put it on paper.
I don’t want anyone to know… And I honestly still don’t know if it counts. All I know is that I didn’t want it to happen and wouldn’t have chosen to have sex with him had I been awake.