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Date Rape

I was married a long time and am now divorced, so therefore I’m not very experienced with dating. Recently I went on a date with a guy I knew about ten years and who was getting a divorce. We had a fantastic time.

We talked often for another week and the topic got around to sex, and never really left that topic for several days. I ignored the red flag because I wanted to have sex as well.

Anyway our second date was one week after the first date. He came over to my place with two bottles of wine for me and a few beers for himself. I’m not much of a drinker so I usually go very slow with alcohol. We were going to order pizza but we never did.

I drank 3-4 6 oz glasses of wine in 3 hours. After that I was so drunk I could barely walk or talk full sentences. We then mutually decided to have sex. I only remember flashes of the sex because I kept blacking out and coming to. He thrusted on and on very vigorously for an hour. A couple times I remember crying out in pain because it was too hard. I’m sure he thought my crying out was desire. I remember holding onto the head board because it felt like my insides were coming out and it hurt less. He kept switching positions and pushing me around. I asked three times if he would come and finish but he didn’t. He kept telling me I was too much mental and to just relax and go with it. The bed was soaked with body fluid.

Next morning it turned out the body fluid was blood and the sheets were soaked through over half the bed area. He said I wanted it and therefore he could only accept half the blame because I wanted it, and how disappointed he was in me that I said it was his fault and he said I should accept the responsibility for it. I said it was rape because I had withdrawn consent by asking him to come and he didn’t stop. It took me a couple days to sort out my feelings to be able to understand that. I was so confused.

I bled for 9 days and my vagina was torn up and swollen. After 11 days when I went to my gynecologist he had to take out my iud and could still see abrasions and tears.

I question whether he used drugs on me because I was so extremely drunk, and even for a low volume drinker I was going slow at one drink an hour, and I did eat before he came over. I can’t reconcile this part of it because i thought I knew him and could not imagine he would do that, but I was so drunk I’m not sure what to think.

I fluctuate from shame that I could allow this, to anger at myself, to acceptance. I know intellectually it is not my fault. It is his fault for not stopping but the social conditioning runs deep and I find myself second guessing. No sane person would want sex like that. A nice person would never do this to another. If I had not been so drunk it could never have gone on for an hour.

If I believe I was raped, then it was rape. Do you agree? Do you think he used drugs on me? You don’t spend months recovering from sex you wanted and enjoyed.

I’m trying hard to move on and not let him steal my life. It is getting better but it’s been hard. I’m afraid to date again. I guess eventually I will be ok.

Thank you for listening to my story.

1 comment

  • Alissa Ackerman

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