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Date Rape

So I met a guy at my gym, which I frequented every singe day for two years. I lost almost 80lbs on my own. I was healthy, strong, feeling wonderful. It was our first date and we went to a comedy show, it was 3 hour long event and we each only had 1 drink. So alcohol was not an issue. The last comic of the show as with the previous few made a lot of jokes about sex and that particular comic said “ok now guys when you get outta here. you go get that pussy-you hit that shit. do whatever you gotta do but you get that ass!” etc etc…how irresponsible? How could he say something like that? Like we are just pieces of meat? It was very uncomfortable and I was really offended.

So when we left, he had said do you want to go to a bar or something or call it a night. I said ok that would be cool but he just wanted to stop by his place quick and grab something. I was nervous about it and I don’t know why, I just had a feeling. When I got there he went and changed in the bathroom, while I waited in the bedroom. The bottom level was under construction so there wasn’t anywhere else to wait that wasn’t cold. So I have to add that the state of the apartment was in complete chaos and it was not due to renovations. You could not see the floor because of the clothes, trash, and debris everywhere. I know the signs of metal disorder because my ex was bi-polar. This made me remember that and I grew even more nervous. When he came out in sweatpants and a t-shirt I knew what he was going to say. He flopped down on the bed and said we should watch a movie instead. And I said I should probably get home. He said ok, but just to relax for a few minutes then we’d go. I didn’t even sit until he told me to. I didn’t want to touch anything it was so disgusting. There weren’t even sheets on the bed, just a crappy blanket. When I finally sat down I sat on the far corner of the bed, as far away from him as possible, with my hands folded in my lap and my back like a sword blade. I felt so uncomfortable, he should have noticed. Not even a minute later he slides over and starts touching my shoulders, massaging me. I clammed up and tensed immediately. He even noted this as he massaged me and I scrunched up my shoulders as he touched me, I said I don’t like that-stop please. It wasn’t long after that he insisted that I lay down because I looked “uncomfortable.” So I sat back against the wall because there was no head board and that’s when it started. He began rubbing against me with our clothes on and I felt very trapped, pressured. I had never felt nervous like that, I had never sensed som ething real like that before. You always tell yourself that in situations like that your going to fight but when it really happens-you freeze.

I just went along with it. I was devastated, in a state of shock. He even asked if he could use a condom and I said please-blank eyes but he wouldn’t know he never looked at my face. It was pathetic, me-the strong-fighter who never gives up, I just gave up. I felt defeated every man my whole life just wanted to use me for sex, he was no different. That’s all I’ll ever be worth to any man and none of them will ever love me for me. It was heartbreaking.

It didn’t last long and I wasn’t in any real pain because he was small, so when he finished he laid there and just started telling me about his ex who wanted to make him wait until they got married so that was his excuse. I think he had finally got up and gotten rid of the condom and that’s when I got off the bed and started getting my clothes, I was balling uncontrollably. He laid across the bed to where I was, kneeling on the filthy floor against the wall and asked me what was wrong and I told him. He said he didn’t know that, that wasn’t OK. But I told him no, I had told him not even to kiss me on the beginning of the date! So why would he think that sex would be ok and not kissing?

I shouldn’t have had to tell him anything. He even said I looked uncomfortable, why didn’t he see it-because he didn’t want to. He told me then he had OCD among other things. I can’t remember but he said his brother was moving in to help him with his life or something.

I cried all the way home an I knew he realized he had done something wrong. I told him to leave me alone and never talk to me again. He just said “I obviously had a lot of pain and a lot of problems.” when he dropped me off.

The next day I went to work and to the gym like normal. I just tried to be normal but it didn’t work. He showed up at the gym and I ran and hid. There was my friend there a gay man and I told him what happened. He said it wasn’t rape. He said “I’ve lost control too but that isn’t rape, I’ve done that.” My friend. That destroyed me. I didn’t tell anyone else for along time, 6 months…

A local rape case woke me up.

This girl was raped by four muslin men from her collage. Someone left a news paper in the booth at work and I just happened to pick it up. That girl’s story shook me to the core, something she said…to the third rapist she said half drugged…”go ahead.”

And that was it. Ever since I saw that, I could no longer let it go, I cold no longer push it down. I had said something like that to my rapist. I got sick and vomited right after I read that.

Now all I do is research I guess I’m trying to find some kind of answer. I watched India’s Daughter, then your Brave Miss World, and then I dyed my hair black and cried in the shower.

My family doesn’t know and I can never tell them. I never told them anything in my life. Not how I had an E.D after my friend died in H.S. How I thought I conquered it and then this…How I cut my arm once so badly that its scarred forever. Believe me that cut healed me and I’d never do it ever again, now that I have that which I have to live with every day. I have one friend and she’s never around, too busy with her perfect over protective husband. So its just me. The hits in my life just keep on coming and I just stick around waiting for the next one, hoping it isn’t like before but it always is. Its always the same.

I feel like I’m trapped in this Karmic circle. You spoke of Karma in your documentary but I’ve never seen its justice, never. Every single person I’ve known in my life has betrayed me. I’ve never known one true person. Those people who have wronged me, they’re all happy, they all have other people, families of their own or whatever. But not me.

My rapist has a beautiful blonde girlfriend and they look super happy on FB and everyone commented how happy they look and how beautiful a couple they are. I can’t even take a compliment from a guy any more, I yell at them. I get angry. In all this time I haven’t said yes to go out with a guy until this past weekend. And I really liked him. Cute, sexy, funny, sweet. Everything. And he walked me back to my car and we kissed, a lot and then a lady walked up and we stopped and I was so happy she did. But it didn’t stop there, I walked over to his car to tell him something and we kissed some more. I was fuzzy from the drinks and I remember debating it a lot and he looked at me funny. We made-out some more and he began touching me and I started saying stop and surprisingly….he did! I kept saying thank you like an idiot, he laughed at that, and I thought wow this is great. He left and then texted me to check & make sure I got home and then….poof! Gone. A great night that may as well of never happened. Disappointment yet again. He just wanted to get in my pants, like the others, he was just nicer about it. You would think a guy with PTSD would understand, maybe he didn’t. But you said that too, you kept telling all these guys you came across, yea I’ve been doing that too. I don’t know why tho, still figuring that out.

But I find the women I tell or rather start to tell don’t want to hear, they change the subject or cut me off.

I was writing this story (sorry this is insanely long btw) but I was writing this story and it used to be about something else and now I, now I’ve changed it completely. When it’s time for that part I’m actually planning on writing a little note, explaining why I would put my beloved character, Aria though what she’s going to have to go through. But I think I need Aria. I think I need her voice because I don’t seem to have one anymore. And I don’t know maybe if I wrote this and some other girl reads it one day she’ll use her voice instead of silencing herself. Like me.

I still have dreams because that’s what I am. A dreamer, a free spirit, a rebel, a conundrum, I’m scared, I’m trapped, I’m 10,000,000 different things and people. I want to write. I also want to go to L.A and be a stunt driver. But that will probably never happen. I like cars and driving its the only place I feel at peace. Its the only place I feel in control. I don’t know maybe we aren’t all meant to have happiness or have lots of ppl around us, maybe Karma doesn’t now me. Maybe we make our own Karma though I’m kind of person who will die for someone who once stabbed me in the back so that I don’t get but maybe its just life. And life goes on.

Thanks for making a place to put this, because I had no where else to go. Thank you Linor, I admire you.

-XWarrior (no I’m not military its my pen name and I guess…who I am)

4 comments

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