My name is Nicole, and I was raped by my ex-fiance.
I was 20 years old, and I had just recently moved out of my parents home. I had met a guy a while back, but he was 11 years older than me, and we were just friends, so we never dated, but when I moved away he suddenly took interest in me. We lived several hours away, and I was hesitant at first, but after months of trying, he finally talked me into giving him a chance.
This was my first real relationship, so I was really quite naive, so I trusted him implicitly. I was a virgin, and I had very strong convictions about saving all sexual activity for marriage, and he claimed to have the same views, but it wasn’t too long before I began to question that about him. He was always Mr. Perfect around everyone else, but as soon as we were alone, hours away from everyone else, he was a different man. As time went by his cuddles turned to petting, then his petting got heavier, and heavier, and he began telling me his sexual fantasies (things like drinking my mensuration blood), and he proudly admitted to having a chronic porn addiction. Whenever I would protest his groping, he would either bully me into submission, or admit that he was wrong, ask me to help him with his “problem”, and promise to change, only to return to it a few minutes later. I tried to break up with him many times, but in the end he always made me believe that I was the problem.
Then one day when we met, he ended it between us. We were sitting in the back of my car, and as I cried over the breakup, he held me for a while. Then, out of the blue, he put his hand on my throat and said, “I could suffocate you right now, and no one would ever know.” Then he started to force-stimulate me. I told him repeatedly to stop, but he kept on going, I tried to get up, but he shoved me back down. I terrified. I thought he was going to kill me. By that time it was the middle of the night, and we were parked in an empty parking lot, and even if I could scream, nobody would hear me. He left as soon as it was light.
Somehow I felt like it was all my fault. Even after that horrible night, somehow I still believed that I was the problem, and it was his life that was being destroyed by our relationship. The guilt and shame was suffocating. I was suicidal for over a year, started cutting, and tried to take my life on multiple occasions.
I didn’t tell anyone about the rape, or the threats for a long time, and still over two years later, only three people know about it.
Eventually Jesus saved me from him and myself and now I am happily married to the man of my dreams.
I hear that my ex-fiance has a new girlfriend now, and I pray every day that she will be rescued from that horrible, twisted man! I would give anything to help her!
— Nicole, age 22