I was a late bloomer, sexually. I didn’t explore my sexuality with anyone until I was sixteen years old, with my first serious boyfriend in high school. I had never done anything with anyone until him. I started to feel comfortable and safe when we would fool around.
A week before I turned 17, I lost my virginity. The first time we had sex, I was in a tremendous amount of pain. I was biting down on my lip and crying, waiting for it to be over, because everyone I had talked about sex with told me it would probably hurt. I would just endure it. I remember him finally looking at me, seeing the tears and the pain on my face, and asking, “Do you want me to stop?” I nodded and said yes. He went on until he finished. I wondered later why he even bothered to ask what I wanted if he was going to disregard it.
Over the couple of years that we dated he sexually assaulted me many times. He would offer to rub my back, or I would fall asleep, and he would try to penetrate me without my permission. Not only without my permission, but when I would tell him, “I don’t want to have sex,” he would just do it anyway. Once I kept saying “No, no,” and he mocked me, raising his voice a couple octaves and parroting back, “No, no,” as he did what he wanted. I still didn’t understand at the time that this was rape. Or I could not admit it to myself. I just knew I suddenly felt fear and despair. He would grope me in the hallways at high school. He would park in the street and watch my bedroom window at night. Twice, he he came into my house uninvited when I was alone and hurt me.
I went to my best friend since I was 12 – I was 18 then – and we were hanging out. I had introduced my bf to him and they had become good friends. But he was supposed to be my best friend. I told him what was happening. He asked if my bf knew what he was doing and I said, “I tell him to stop and that I don’t want to and he does it anyway.” My best friend looked at me and responded, “Please don’t get him in trouble.”
That was half of my lifetime ago and I can’t decide which hurt worse, being raped by someone I trusted, or being ignored by the only person I trusted enough to tell.