I just don’t know how to start.
It feels weird and I am ashamed, I feel dirty and I don’t have any self-esteem left.
I am having a great boyfriend. We both are having a strong relationship and we are dating since five years and a half, I met him when I was 20.
We had up and downs, like every relationship does but my boyfriend was the first person I slept with. It was a new and great experience for me – I have been always very distrustful and I was scared of men who touched me. I could never enjoy intimate contact to other men but everything changed when I met my boyfriend.
I told him that I cannot enjoy sexual things because something, that I displaced, happened to me in the past.
He accepted it and waited until I was ready, he showed me that having consensual Sex wasn’t bad, he showed me that it doesn’t mean that it has to be violent.
We did a lot of sexual experiences, some day my boyfriend came up with the idea of having a threesome, Sex with another men. I agreed, without thinking of consequences.
When I started kissing this man, this stranger, I felt uncomfortable. I didn’t listen to my body and continued. Then, when he started touching my private area, I felt even more uncomfortable, I was nervous, started sweating and couldn’t think clearly. I ignored my body the second time.
When this man started fingering me, when he penetrated me, I suddenly had a flashback and I felt like I was drugged. I couldn’t move, I froze. I saw pictures in my head, horrible pictures. I was bleeding.
I let the man doing, what he wanted to do, I let him finish. I think I even cried but said nothing at all because I felt so awkward. I didn’t listen to my body. It was my fault that it happened.
Since this evening the flashbacks are coming back again and I am hurting myself, punishing for not doing anything.
I cannot talk to my boyfriend about it. It would disappoint him.
And I feel that the dark is overwhelming me and I feel that I am alone.