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Football Player

he guy who raped me was a 17 year football player & I was a 15 year virgin. I newly had been dating another boy but had kissed this football player a few times in the previous months at parties. On this night, he led me to his truck during a party. I was anxious, felt pressured and felt it was wrong because I had had a boyfriend although we weren’t having sex. It did not cross my mind that he had different ideas other than kissing.

When I got into the back of truck I immediately felt uncomfortable and worried that other people might see me or notice I had left the party with him. We started kissing, then he pulled down my pants and felt him try to shove his penis into me. “No no no..stop!! I’m a virgin stop!! No!” He ignored me and kept going. Right when I felt him push inside I reached down and squeezed his penis hard. He yelped, “OW!!” I kept saying “No I’m a virgin stop!” He kept going and held my hands down beside my head. I froze feeling terrified and helpless.

Afterwards, we walked back into party. I was numb. The next morning, I was filled with an unbelievable sense of guilt, filth, shame, self-hate and wanted to kill myself. I told my boyfriend and he took me to the free clinic. I told them it was “sort of forced” not realizing that they had to call police. I begged them not to call police because then my parents and kids at school would know. But, they picked the guy up to spend night in jail. I was so scared and terrified what kids would say about me at school, feeling like no one believe me and a slut.

He was popular and it was new at school. He confronted me and was irate. He was seemingly shocked. Everyone knew at school and was calling me a liar. Even my close friends, I was terribly isolated. I protested endlessly, “why would I lie??!!” Another friend said to me, “you know..it really hurts the first time and may feel like rape but it’s not.” Totally alone. THEN one girl that I barely knew approached me and told me that he did the exact same thing to her at a party. I BEGGED her to tell people because people thought I was lying. She said she couldn’t because then her parents would know she was sneaking out going to parties and likely drinking alcohol.

Completely alone. I switched schools feeling unsupported, un-liked and branded a liar and slut. To this day a close (now former) friend didn’t believe me and that hurt tremendously. I spent many years being very promiscuous, feeling numb and feeling like I was getting back at him; not having emotions having sex. Of course, it doesn’t work. Thank you.

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