When I was 6, I was adopted after my biological parents passed away. Two other girls were also adopted into the same family. Between ages 8 and 14, the “adoptive parents” sent me every Sunday to my “uncle,” a family friend only, not a real uncle. Classic story, making me call him uncle. He raped me every Sunday at the Diplomat Hotel swimming pool. They knew because my sister remembers one day when he did this at our “home” after they drugged me. They watched tv in the other room until he was finished. I was drugged so don’t remember, but all the other Sundays are as clear as day, no drugging involved. When I was 14 and felt shy and embarrassed by his behavior, he threatened me with his gun, and also tried to drown me in the Diplomat pool. I escaped at the very last second.
Apparently, he felt afraid I would “tell” by that age. But the truth is, I still didn’t know what sex was and had no clue there was anything to even tell. When he was on his deathbed in the hospital when I was 14, he said goodbye to everyone but me. I tried to talk to him, and he just looked away. So cold. Meanwhile, these same “adoptive parents” raped my younger adoptive sister regularly at night, which I clearly remember, but again, I didn’t know what sex was yet. But I knew there was something wrong because I thought it was so thoughtless for them to wake her up from her sleep. I was thrown out of their house at age 14, as if I was the one with the problem, because the woman said I’m trying to sleep with her husband. Again, I had no clue what sleeping with meant, and gross, I certainly wasn’t trying. She was simply a paranoid schizophrenic. But at 3 children’s costs. My other two sisters ran away, one by age 12.
I used academic and huge career success, plus tons of world travel, to blind me from the ugliness, which is no different than foster girls I’ve worked with who flunk out of school and don’t work and end up on the streets. Just the flip side of the same coin… avoidance due to ptsd.
In my early 20’s, an older biological sister found out… and being the bully she was, ravaged me to death over the sexual abuse. Called me an abused, abandoned person, told me nobody will ever love me now, repeatedly called me by my perpetrator’s name over and over in my ears, etc. When I finally succumbed to depression over her bullying and couldn’t even eat, instead of apologizing, she pointed the finger at me (known as triangulating), and said, ” You see, I told you you were a psych slut idiot crazy person.” That lasted about a minute in my life, it seems, as I built my strength back up and continued on with my full, loving life and career. To this day, at the age of nearly 60, she states that she never bullied me, nearly to the point of bullicide, that I have no career and no love, that everybody would hate me if they knew the “truth,” that I’m “dark and evil,” and that my biological parents “would be rolling in their graves if they knew how I turned out.” This, even though she was known to be a bully to everyone, not just me. This in spite of my life itself. But, you can’t reason with a narcissist with sociopathic tendencies. I’ve separated myself from her for 30 years and feel good about those boundaries I placed.
And one last, but typical, experience after rape/child sexual abuse. Decades later, after my divorce, my ex-husband’s attorneys used my rape/child sexual abuse against me during the custody battle. Very typical. Leave it to manipulative, machiavellian, narcissistic attorneys to “blame the victim,” make up stories, rape-shame, and smear me all over the courtroom floor, when everyone knew damned well that I am the most loving, nurturing, wise mom whose children are my treasures. (By the way, I have custody.)
So, why am I writing all of this?
1. Because there are so many girls, and boys, without parents out there… Young kids who have it far worse. And if they’re reading this, they should know that they are like beautiful growing flowers. And that rape was not their fault. And that they should grow their self-love, self-esteem, and futures by surrounding themselves with love and healthy people. And separate themselves from evil. Evil is live spelled backwards. So LIVE!
2. Because certain people who find out about your rape will bully you and mortify you over it. A warped parent, a warped religious figure, a sick, personality-disordered family member or friend. They are twisted. You cant reason with a crazy person. Separate yourself. Humans are lucky; we get to choose whom we want around us. Choose joyfully and wisely! Be a victim no more!
3. Because defense attorneys in these cases are so devoid of soul, that we cannot allow their tactical perversion of the concrete truth to be allowed into courts of law any longer, or into our hearts and souls. Lock their words out of your paradigm, stand tall and proud, and defend yourself with DIGNITY! You are not the one with the problem!
4. Because G-d, or the Universe, or life, or whatever term works for you, works in mysterious ways. Eventually, all these experiences with your rape fit together into a tapestry, as the dots and colors make sense when enough time goes by. All the above people I’ve mentioned have either died alone with no funeral, died a slow and painful death, gotten disbarred or otherwise sanctioned, or live a friendless, painful life replete with delusions and paranoia that penetrates into their next generation. They did it to their own kharma. While we, the survivors, with love and support, blossomed or will blossom into the beautiful humans that we were always meant to be as tabla rasas before our rape experiences.
People do heal, after all! And what doesn’t kill us makes us so very much stronger and wiser.
Grow. Live! And don’t let anybody’s poison stop the bloom that is you.
Sending love and light. You are never alone.