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Goodbye Virginity

On December 31, 2016/January 1st 2017… two days from now, my life took a 180 & made me hit rock bottom. I am 22 years old. I am in the Army & still enrolled in college. Last year, I went back home to celebrate the holidays… for the first time I was going out with my friends without my 4 year high school sweetheart. We hadn’t had intimacy because I was waiting until marriage… but life had a different plan for me. On new years eve after being with my family, I decided to go out with my friends to a club, there, a friend of my (now ex) boyfriend & older his brother linked up with us. After just a few drinks all I remember is small clips of what happened that night. I remember talking one moment & then kissing him in a car. After that I remember being at a house, his house, walking in that house, willingly, & next thing I know he’s on top. & I feel pressure between my legs & it burns like hell & I didn’t do anything. I remember the darkness of the room, & I remember touching his back like if it was okay… soon after I am getting dressed & on the next flash I am in my cousin’s bed crying & getting yelled at by my mom bc I had never in my life disappeared like that. I had never drank with my friends from back home. & I wasn’t sure if everything I remembered was real, that I willingly gave my virginity to someone I barely even new. A friend of my boyfriends. Is that even rape? If I just let him do it? God, I remember getting up to pee & I bled. & it stung. God did it hurt. My mom asked what happened after I slept for a while & I told her. She told me I hadn’t even realized that I got violated. She took me to the hospital & got checked & all… I felt so empty. Dirty. He took my virginity. He took my life. He took what was mine. If there was anything special about me it was that. It was that I was waiting for the right guy. & in one night it was all gone. When I got home I stayed in bed for three days. I felt so ashamed. My lady value had been taken from me, & I didn’t control or defend it. I come from a very strict Catholic family & a small town, so let me emphasize, I felt like I no longer had value & that no one would ever want to marry someone like me. I just felt so disgusting. I didn’t want to see myself. I hated peeing. & just thinking about what had happened made my parts hurt. Happy New Year to me right. Not long after I had to get up & drive back to my duty station, the worst 9 hrs of my life. From there it all went down hill. I left my boyfriend (who I told). I barley passed the classes I was enrolled in college (I was a straight As student). I had the worst anger at work. Without talking about the paranoia & frustration that I carried with me. Little by little I started to feel emptier & emptier inside. I couldn’t stop dreaming or thinking about it. I hated my body. I hated living & by the time June rolled up, I was ready to die. & I tried killing myself, in the stupidest way, but I did. I felt like such a waste of space & I felt like no matter what I did my heart just wanted to stop beating. Everything around me was so uninteresting. Everyone around me was too happy or they didn’t understand. No one really cared. No one does. I haven’t been able to go back home since then. I am on anti depressants & when I think of that person I always feel like killing him. I hate him. He took something that wasn’t his. He took my innocence from me. & now I feel like such a hoe. I feel like I’m not special & I know its not like that. I just feel this way. I don’t know if I’m going to make it. I’m scared of a day. & I am sobbing in a guest room of a person that has been nothing but patient with me. I am trying. But how the hell do you move on?? How? How do you forgive? How do you for get? How do you accept? How. & why would I? Why forgive? Why? Why accept? Why? Because I feel like its not fair. Its not fair at all.

— Itzell


  • Brandi
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