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HE Haunts Me

Dignity, honor, virginity, sense of self, and sense of security all taken from me. I was 15 when HE raped me. It was Christmas Eve. But it didn’t end there. HE would follow me, stalk me, call me, invade my home, threaten my family, my friends, everyone I knew. I became isolated to avoid anyone coming in contact with him. Friends noticed my changes, my attitude, my pushing them all away, and when they found out they tried to protect me. I got a restraining order,changed my name, my appearance, moved, and did everything i could.

As obsessed as the man was, HE continued following, calling, sending flowers, taking pictures of me-in my own home and leaving them where i could find them, just so i knew HE was always watching. To get away, my friends Jackson and Lauren decided to take me for a night away. When I came home, my place had been broken into, everything was smashed and destroyed, slut was spray painted onto my living room wall. Calling the police did nothing, restraining order was just a piece of paper to me, it didn’t stop HIM from anything!

A few days passed and I got a call from Lauren, it was 2am, she was crying and said she was Jackson and “that guy”. She screamed on the phone, and then HIS voice was on the other end. Told me where to meet HIM, or what would happen if I didn’t. I went to save my friends, I went, to somehow be a hero, to do anything I could to protect them. When i got to there, Jackson and Lauren were kneeling, beat up, bruised, and bloody, with HIS friends behind them. I ran up to them, HE grabbed me, told me, I had nothing to be scared of. I only had to tell my friends I belonged to HIM.

Jackson told me not to, for some reason all i could say to my friend was that I’m sorry. In a rage, HE began to scream and yell, becoming very unpredictable. HE grabbed me, i tried pushing HIM away, fighting back. Jackson had hit one of men with the back of his head, got up quickly and punched the other, told Lauren to run. She did.

HE muffled me to the ground, pulled HIS gun shot Jackson twice, and Lauren once in the back. I ran to Jackson, he wasn’t breathing, i crawled to Lauren, she was awake. I held her in my arms, told her everything was ok, when HE walked up behind me looking down at us, and said, “no its not going to be okay.”

I’ld like to tell you, it was a dream or that Lauren made it to the hospital and survived, that i didn’t hold her and watched her die in my arms, crying that she just wanted to go home. HE and his friends grabbed me, took me to their car. HE raped me again, took me to my house and kept me there. Repeatedly telling me it was my fault my friends were dead, that I belonged to HIM and only HIM. My friends were never going to “us” be together. HE told his friends to clean up “that mess.” I was 17.

When i finally left that apartment I never went back. i just left. I never contacted my family or friends, i hid in a shelter and moved as often as i could. Married the first nice guy who saw i broken and looking for a way out of my life. I changed my name, hid from social media, got a P.O Box, pay all bills online. I hid from the world completely, changed cities, always kept moving. I refused to go to the store or any public events. I’m 26 now, I still hide. My children, my husband, my parents still have no idea. Still isolated, knowing he’s in jail for a unrelated crime, brings me comfort, but not justice.

I speak now, only because HIS trial is coming up, and I already re-live this no matter how hard i run. I plan only to come out from hiding to testify for Jackson & Lauren.

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