I am not going to use real names throughout this story.
There is some back stories and history to this story so i am sorry about the length. From the beginning:
My boyfriend of over a year dumps me on my 16 birthday. I have already suffered from severe depression and anxiety since around 5th grade, but this made me plummet once again. He was what I would call my first love. I lost my virginity to that boy and he mentally abused me for so long. I was left broken and alone. It also doesn’t help that, what i call my “old friends” were partiers. I did like partying occasionally, but after that is when I just did it as a distraction. Not as an addiction, but I did like getting drunk to forget and move on. I began talking to Tom about 6 months later. He is a huge partier but he has “been in love with me” for over 8 months. I decided to give him a chance. We went to a party, and i got plastered. I blacked out, not recalling any of the night the next day. I awoke and was told that I had had sex with him. Hurt and confused, because i had told him the night before that i did not want to have sex yet, did not listen apparently. I never used the word rape towards him or anything, but i did tell him i felt used and taken advantage of. I was then told to stop crying rape and “it takes two to tango”. From then on i believed it was my fault and that i was the one in the wrong. That i was stupid for feeling used. This is when things got worse. I become closer with my ex best friend Christina and her mom was pretty lenient and we started to party more. I started to stop caring about myself completely. I kept having sex with Darius until he had sex with me one night and left me naked and alone and never spoke to me again unless to insult me. I was always drunk when i had sex with him. I began sleeping and messing around, hopelessly trying to find a boy to love even though i was looking at parties where everyone is wasted. Christina and i decided to throw a party at her house because her mom was not home. We invited a lot of people, including my friend Marcus, who was a jerk but still a friend. We all were drinking and i got drunk, but still barely aware of myself. He was flirting with me throughout the night and it was meaningless. When everyone left and it was time to sleep he didn’t have a ride so christina said he could stay the night. We both slept in christinas mother’s room because there weren’t many beds. I wasn’t afraid or feel weird, we were friends it wasn’t a big deal. I had fallen asleep when i am awaken to a mouth on mine. He is kissing me and kissing me and I’m so sluggish i can hardly comprehend whats happening. He takes me and begins eating me out, I am laying there limp, not doing anything. I ask him to stop but he doesn’t, I am still hazed and confused. He lays back down and shoves my head down forcing his penis inside my mouth. I then begin to realize what is happening and I begin to panic. He looks at me and keeps his hand out my head, not allowing me to leave. He then proceeds me to my back where i begin pleading “please dont do this Mar cus, I dont want this, stop, please.” Once I realized it wasn’t happening i begged for him to get a condom but it wasn’t worth it. I just laid there lifeless until he was finished. I remember every second of it. i told Christina the next morning, and she even came with me to tell my parents 3 weeks later, but she told everyone i was lying. I must have asked for it since I always sleep around, i am always like this drunk. (I also learned Marcus has done this to several other girls.) She threw it in my face, I blocked her on everything so her words could no longer pierce me. The police did nothing, my “old friends” all left me.
The aftermath? Well I was so depressed I hardly got out of bed for months. I think got so busy I wouldn’t allow myself to think of anything other than the task at hand. I got one of my old boyfriends back (which he is great, a good decision). I have tried and tried therapy but nothing fills the emptiness within me or stops making my chest feel like lead, or my nightmares become any less frequent. I still see him sometimes which makes me have a severe panic attack. With my boyfriend i crave rough and bounding sex and I’m not sure why. I am ruined from this attack, and have lost so many people from it. I am not sure if I will ever go back to normal. This happened only 4 months ago.
— Survivor, age 17