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How Could It Have Happened

I am currently with someone. However, the last person to have sex with me is not him. Because I was raped.
I was in bed and pretty much falling asleep. I had a rough day because of a sad falling out with a friend. I wasn’t in the mood for anything and I was feeling really low. I had been drinking alone, because that is a demon for me.
This guy, who has been a friend and classmate for many years texted me. We had hooked up twice before, a few months ago, before my current relationship. I think he expected something.
He asked me to hang out, saying we could just chill and play Xbox. I suspected his intentions though, and wanting to stay loyal, I let him know I wasn’t interested in anything and if we hung out it would only be that. I also told him that I was pretty tired, and that I honestly didn’t want to go out.
That’s when the manipulation started. He told me ways to wake myself up, and cmon how could I not want to chill and play Xbox? I thought going out might be better for myself than staying alone and drinking, so finally I agreed. I knew to stay smart about it though, my current partner in mind and the word “loyalty”, naively thinking that if I said that, no one would go against it. How fucking wrong I was.
He picked me up and we went to this place, a “hut” if you will, where people hang out. It was empty though, just me and him and we realized the power was out so we couldn’t even play Xbox. We were talking and I was showing him videos from a concert I went to recently when he started touching me.
I told him “no, I can’t I’m with someone.” And he said “cmon you know you want it” and other things like that to manipulate me. He was so persistent. I kept telling him “no”, “cool it”, “stop” but he wouldn’t. He asked me why I wasn’t agreeing and I said “loyalty” To which he said “he won’t find out, no one will know” and took my delayed reaction as an agreement, instead of the fact that it didn’t matter if it could be kept a secret, it was that I didn’t want it happening anyway. My mind started to go numb then, in shock that I was telling someone to stop touching my body and they wouldn’t.
Before I knew it his hands were under my shirt and unhooking my bra. He said “I know how horny you get I know you fucking want this.” I managed to pry my conscious awake enough to realize what was happening. I physically moved away to rehook my bra. I should have ran then.
He told me “I don’t know why you’re doing that” and pulled me into his lap, where he pulled my shirt and bra up and put his face in my breasts. I was so in shock to become so exposed that I couldn’t speak. I stopped saying “no” because I couldn’t say anything. But saying it once should have been enough.
He told me “why don’t you ride my dick” through his pants and when you’re in that state of shock and panic, it’s like you almost can’t help but do what you’re told. I didn’t move much, but it was enough to make him want more.
He then pushed me on the couch on my back and stood over me and shoved his dick in my mouth. When he was done with that he flipped me over and had my pants off so quick and the condom on even quicker and suddenly he was inside me and I was biting the couch trying not to cry.
He kept saying, “yeah you fucking like that”, still telling me what I wanted instead of listening. My body enjoyed it (which felt like a betrayal) but the entire time my mind was in a state of numbness, shock, hollow, in disbelief of what was happening. How it felt like I let it happen, which I realize now is not true at all. It was not my fault.
It didn’t last long, he came inside me. He started getting dressed and told me to. He dropped me off and I sat down and my mind went blank. A subconscious defense mechanism for trauma.
Then it struck me about my partner and even though I knew I could have hidden it, it didn’t feel like a infedility action. It was against my will, he manipulated me, and it felt so wrong. Also I am not a cheater. So I let my partner know, I told him everything and that entire night was hell. Crying, sadness, hyperventilating, panic attacks as I relived it over and over in my mind.
That night all I did was blame myself like:
Was what I was wearing making him think I wanted it?
Should i have said no differently?
Why didn’t I say no more?
Why didn’t I run?
Why couldn’t i run?
What did I do wrong?
Was my body language telling him yes?
How can my partner forgive me?
Does this count as cheating?
Did I really want it like he said?
What did I do that made him think it was okay?
Am I going to lose my partner because of this?

That entire night I blamed myself for what happened. I had a lot of upset posts on my Tumblr, and a friend asked me what was wrong.
I told him what happened and he told me it was rape.
It didn’t occur to me until then, that this wasn’t my fault.
That I had said no enough times.
And I even said it more than once.
That I moved away from him, and he forcefully moved me back.
That it was not consensual.
That I was fiercely manipulated.
That I was in a state of mind-numbing body-paralyzing shock while it was happening.
That it was rape.

So not only was I reeling from that, I was also so worried about losing my partner because of it.
I looked up rape victim stories, and any doubt I had vanished when I saw many other victims in similar positions to mine. Where it becomes such a mental thing, how mind fucking it is, to have someone take advantage of your body without your permission like that.

I told my partner everything.
We are working on it. I feel even worse that he was affected in this too.

It was only 4 nights ago.

But it has left this pit inside me. Sometimes I forget that it happened, and I feel slight relief but when it washes back into my head it hurts even more.
I have been living in a state of constant half panic because of this. I’m not sure when that will go away.

1 comment

  • Alissa Ackerman

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