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I am a survivor

The first time I was molested I was about 4 years old. I barely remember it. My birth mother was very poor and lived with who I’m assuming was a boyfriend or pimp. He used to take me in the bedroom and tell me to take off all my clothes. He would touch me and if I backed away or cried he would spray my eyes with a spray bottle so that I couldn’t stop him. I remember him forcing his fingers inside me and there being a lot of blood and pain. I remember this going on for a while until one day he tied me to the bed and raped me. I think I was 5. I don’t remember much of it happening it’s all blacked out. Shortly after my birth mother was doing prostitution and taught me to do oral to men for money as well. I have flashbacks and nightmares of this still to this day. I always remember being tied to the bed frame while I was being forced to give oral to countless men. I still don’t understand what kind of monster would force their child to do that.
This went on for several years until CPS took my brother and I away. We went to several foster homes until we landed at a good one for about a year. I was 8 and in second grade the next time I was molested. I was at a friends house watching a movie when her older brother about 14 came home from school. He told me to go play in his room with him while my friend stayed watching the movie. I was too scared to tell him no. He told me to lay down on his bed with him, he then slide his hand down my pants and started touching me. I begged him to stop but he kept his free hand over my mouth and his body on top of mine so that I couldn’t move. I laid there silently crying until it was over.

A few months later we moved to a new foster home and we were actually adopted by a wonderful family. I never told anyone about my past abuse because I was too scared and ashamed. I thought it was my fault that it happened, like somehow I had been asking for it or if I was better it wouldn’t have happened. I know now that it wasn’t my fault but I still think about it often and have nightmares. I now suffer from extreme anxiety and PTSD. Everyday is hard but I survived my past trauma and I know I will be able to survive this.

— Rissa, age 20

3 comments

  • Alexis
  • Kumar Dale
  • sharon

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