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I Am More Than It

It started when I was 8, he was my friend’s dad. She was a year younger than me and our families were close. Her dad was the one who helped my dad find a job and an apartment when we moved to California. I think I blocked a lot of it out but the ones that are vivid in my mind were when he grabbed me in my home and yanked me into the bathroom and kissed me, but he didn’t just kiss me, he stuck his disgusting tongue inside my mouth. I was paralyzed and I knew my mom was in the next room but I couldn’t do anything. At this point my sister had run away from home.my mom was so distraught by that, that she would barely come out of her room. Being the only one who spoke fluent Spanish and English I was forced to be the family translator. Having a police officer in front of me and not being able to tell them what was going on was terrible and frustrating. I didn’t feel I was worth more than my sister.

One day my friend/his daughter asked if I wanted to have a sleepover at her house, by now then had moved 3 streets away, I didn’t really want to but I didn’t want my parents being suspicious and I figured since we’d be together I would be safe. I was wrong, he crept into the living room in the middle of the night and put his hand down my pants. I felt it, I was laying right next to his daughter but I pretended to be asleep. I didn’t know what else to do. Finally he left and I cried silently being careful not to wake anybody up. I wanted to run home and cry and yell but if I did everyone would know. My mom always told me how hard it was growing up without a father and how horrible it was for her so I kept thinking that I couldn’t do that to me friend, I couldn’t give her that pain that my mom had always described to me. Finally I came home and as the door slammed shut I began to cry uncontrollably.

I finally told my mom and sister (by this time she was back). They couldn’t speak, I guess I was waiting for them to make me feel better. My mom didn’t help, her solution was to pretend nothing happened while still welcoming him into our home. My dad had no idea and I wanted to keep it that way. One day we were in Mexico visiting family when he showed up. I saw him and quickly walked to our family home hoping he would just leave. There was no one around so he followed me to my house, he was right behind me and as soon as I got inside I locked the screen door. He just stood there looking at me though the screen door as if it were a game. Finally he walked away and I waited until he was out of sight to come out and find my mom. When I did I couldn’t contain myself and began to cry. At that moment a truck slowly came up next to us, it was him and my dad was in the passengers side. I couldn’t believe it, he was taking my dad. My dad asked him to stop to see what was wrong with me but my mom shooed him away saying I was fine. I looked up and I saw him smiling at me as he drove away with my dad. My mom refuses to talk about it mostly because he’s a rape victim and from that came my sister. I try to let her know why I am the way I am but she just says I’m crazy and need therapy… maybe so but I should be able to talk to own mother.

I always thought that this wouldn’t be the biggest thing in my life. I tried once talking to my peers but they didn’t believe me and said that I was saying all that just because I wanted attention… that was the last time I tried. I am a good daughter, a good sister, a good girlfriend and friend. I am a surfer, a college student, I am a kickboxing student and this will NOT define me OR the the BIGGEST event in my life. I AM BRAVE!

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