I was a bit of a nightmare teenager. I used to go out, get dressed up have a few drinks and mess around with my friends. I was always doing things before my peers in school. I was 17, there was nothing I hadn’t done or tried. Everything apart from ‘it’. I’m not over religious but I am religious to some point and I always thought I would wait till I was married before I done ‘that’. I was drunk that night, I can barely remember what happened but I remember his eyes. I remember him telling me he would look after me. I remember my phone going missing and pretty sure it was him. I remember waking up in a horrible bed, he was laughing, he asked me why I was bleeding. He knew why. Looking back he knew, everything he said that next day and everything he done all finally made sense. I was 17. My clothes were soiled. I went home, I wrapped a scarf around my legs as my clothes were soiled. It hurt. I cried my way home. I got home. I couldn’t bare to shower. I changed my clothes and went to college. I ignored what happened. I ignored it for so long but I knew, I know. I know what happened I blamed myself. I blamed being drunk. I blamed myself. But it wasn’t my fault was it? Regardless of how drunk you are, I would never do something that I thought was never an option. I never wanted to do ‘it’. I had no desire, I thought that was extreme and very bad. I don’t think about it everyday but it’s always with me. It’s blackened my heart and is the reason why I’m
Frightened to have a friend, a relationship or anything. It stays with me forever and always but I’m still surviving.
— Survivor, age 21