25 years old and have been in and out of therapy for the past 10 years. I am diagnosed with CPTSD, Dissociative identity disorder, and severe major depressive disorder with suicidal tendencies. I grew up in a broken home where my mom would beat me every night and leave me to sleep on the bathroom floor. My father was an alcoholic and left when I was only 5 years old. Growing up I was used to having my needs ignored and because my mom would blame me for everything that went wrong, I developed an extremely low sense of self-esteem. I’ve never heard “I love you” from any of my parents, instead “I wish you hadn’t been born” and “yo u’re the reason we’re suffering” and “your dad left because you’re the devil” were phrases I grew accustomed to. Because of this, I have a very hard time maintaining friendships because I am convinced that I will only bring people suffering and no one should have to deal with someone like me.
When I turned 13 my mother remarried and my step dad sexually abused and raped me until I was 16 when CPS got involved because I had run away from home. I told my mother, but she took my step dad’s side and went to court against me. I ended up winning but did not ask for any money or compensation as I just wanted to get out of that house. I moved to my dad’s but he was still very emotionally unavailable and still a alcoholic. My step mom was pretty much a gold-digger and always had me do all the cleaning around the house as well as babysitting my half brother. She had no job and spent all day shopping online or watching drama TV shows. When I turned 18, I moved out to go to university and worked a graveyard shift in the ER to pay for college expenses. After I graduated, I started to feel more and more empty. My entire life I had spent with just 1 goal in mind and that was just to escape and live on my own. But now that I’ve gotten here, life seems meaningless and I feel so numb and empty all the time. I know this sounds bad, but I don’t even know who I am or what things I enjoy. I’ve been to therapy since I was 15 but nothing seems to help. I’ve taken medication as well as behavioral therapy but I never feel any better. The future seems pretty hopeless, if I’m going to feel like this for the rest of my life, then I don’t really see a point in living. I guess I’m on here looking for some hope, but I don’t even know what I’m looking for. Pain and suffering was all I had known and in a sick way it’s almost comforting when I suffer because the feeling is so familiar. I feel like I’m always searching for something, but I have no clue what. I feel like I’m missing something very important but I haven’t lost anything. I just feel so lost and empty and I don’t know what to do.
Thanks for reading