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I just wanted a friend

It happened on March 17,2018. I had just broken up with my boyfriend the day before and I just wanted my guy “friend” to come over and hang out with me. I’m 17 and he’s 15. I just wanted to get my mind off of the break up and I stated CLEARLY that I didn’t want to do anything, even before he came over.
It was his first time at my house, so I showed him around the first floor. Then he asked what my room looks like so I took him upstairs to show him. He ended up laying on my bed and I tried to coax him off so he’d come downstairs, but he didn’t move. I laid next to him, and I felt so awkward that I put on a movie. I kept the movie playing even when he started to touch me. I didn’t tell him to stop.

I never have sex without Condoms and I didn’t have any, so when he asked to have sex I told him no. He then told me to do other things, so I did and I started to shake and cry, but he didn’t see it. I was completely naked but he only had his pants off. I felt disgusting. He then asked for the second time to have sex, and I again told him no. Then he pulled me on top of him and said “we don’t have to have sex” so I let it happen. Then he started to put it in and I didn’t say anything. I let it happen and I really don’t know why.

As soon as he was done, I put on all my clothes and immediately went to my car to wait for him to come outside so I could take him home. I started to cry, but when he came outside I went silent. I took him to his house and he kissed me and told me that “we should hangout again sometime”. After that, I deleted his number and off of every social media.

I couldn’t even go home because I felt disgusting in my own bed. I drove around for almost 2 hours then ended up in a rite-aid parking lot, and I called my best friend crying and told her what happened.

I’ve told very few people, but everyone I talk to says this isn’t rape. I don’t know what to think of it, but I block it out of my memory for the most part.

I still don’t feel comfortable in my own bed some nights and it’s been almost 5 months now. I don’t know if this is actually rape but I do know that it made me feel like less of a human being.

3 comments

  • sharon
  • Slim Shady
  • Alexis

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