My name is Samantha. I was raped, and never told anyone, and I’m falling apart. I was molested by my step brother starting at age ten that escalated to rape when I was 11, a couple times over three months. I should have said something. Once, my step mother opened the door and i know she saw something when my step brother was molesting me. He threw the covers over, my step mother said dinner was ready and she closed the door. I then decided to live with my mom and had no contact with any of my dad’s side of my family for a year. I can’t explain why I didn’t say anything but one reason I never did is because i was so scared of rape stigma and I see how wrong that is. I was already being made fun of at school. I didn’t want to hurt my family, my mom, I didn’t want her to be sad. I was so confused about my sexuality and body, i felt so ashamed and violated. I felt like I was supposed to die. I pretended it never happened and tried to bury it. Another big reason I didn’t want to tell is because I’ve always really liked girls, my first crush was before I was molested. It made me feel like I was invalidated and so sad. I came out as a lesbian to my dad’s side of my family when I was 13 and they wanted nothing to do with me. I just wanted to stay quiet about what happened. I pretended it never happened and tried to bury it.
I thought about suicide periodically through my teenage years, I could never bring myself to do anything. I got caught up with pills and alcohol and constantly getting in trouble. I didn’t care about school but I always kept myself good enough just to get by. I was not always sad. I was pretty happy and excited about things and had a few good friends but some nights I just couldn’t shake my thoughts. I wondered how much better I’d have been if i hadn’t been raped. I just pushed it farther back. Last April I got completely wasted, started feeling horrible and remembered things that happened, and decided to go out for a smoke drive to get out of my head. I ended up speeding my car into a cement barricade, i was having a panic attack and couldn’t breathe, i didn’t want to. It was just a quick impulse that I also never admitted to anyone. I just said that i was just drunk. I was in the hospital a week and got a dui, lost my car, and really messed up. The cop said i was threatening to kill myself when they arrived at the scene. I dont remember. I just remember that horrible feeling and how hot the impact felt. Since then a lot of anxiety has cleared up, i see how precious life is, I told myself it wouldn’t bring me down anymore. But I haven’t faced my demon and now it’s all I want to let out. I want to be happy and to make someone else happy. It’s keeping me so far down and keeping me from expressing my love and real feelings.
I recently met the girl of my dreams and she broke up with her verbally abusive boyfriend of two years the day we got together. I truly believe she is my soul mate. It scared me but I felt so ready, i still feel ready and I know I can do this. I want her to be happy and loved and safe, she wanted the same for me. She had been living with me for a month and is so amazing and we love each other. We fit so perfectly together. She doesn’t want to be in an abusive or hurtful relationship and that’s never what i wanted. She told me she was molested by her Uncle when she was younger and I wanted so badly to confide in her too but was so ashamed and didn’t want her to think differently of me. Her bringing up her story made me think of mine again so much. Then because I really wanted to confide in her too, I brought it up for myself, I looked up my dad’s side of the family and rapist on facebook. I let these feelings boil inside me and was very cold to my girlfriend. We h ad broken up twice because of my outbursts when I would drink and id be very depressed and harsh. I wanted to drink when i was sad. It always made me worse but it didn’t use to. I used to easily be able to feel better from drinking. I just don’t anymore. I promised I wouldn’t drink anymore and be sober. I showed her a profile post of my step brother but didn’t tell her he was my rapist. I was just so upset after a night of a horrible dream and i tried to hide it but it seeped out through small hostilities. It was getting to me. I drank again. I was being so selfish and so mad. I understand why she wouldn’t want to stay with me after saying hurtful things to her. I feel so horrible and I just couldn’t bare to really say why.. I said everything out of insecurity. Her grandpa was in the hospital and she stayed all night but didn’t text me the next morning and stayed until 5. I was being there for her, i want to be there for her. I didn’t know she was a t the hospital the whole day and i was so upset at feeling ignored when i was so badly wanting to just let it out but couldn’t. I told her i put her things together and she could come get them because i put it in my head that she didn’t and wouldn’t want me if i told her what was really wrong. I lost her. This was the closest I ever was to confiding in someone. I was trying so hard even though I was being so awful.
I want to prove to myself and her that I can be the great and caring person that I am and that I am worth it. I am so smart, have a huge heart, and have so much ability and I’m so tired of this bringing me so far down. We made each other laugh so hard and made each other so happy. We talked about our futures, she is my whole world and everything i ever wanted in a person. I loved learning about her and she wanted to know me too. I wanted to tell her why I was so upset sometimes. She is all of my favorite people and favorite smells and feelings all in one person. But then id get so upset, I felt so undeserving. It was never her fault but I said things out of my insecurity and pushed her away. All i wanted was to bond with her and have a great relationship for us. She was my best friend. I just wanted to let this out. I did it all wrong. I wanted her to know i was hurting and i just wanted to talk but I couldn’t. I was so scared to be rejected, which led me to being rejected. I want help. I want my love back and I want to get rid of this secret that is killing me.