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I still feel like it’s my fault

I don’t know why I’m writing this but I’ve been reading all of these stories and felt the urge to speak. I don’t know if I was raped. I still deal with the guilt of feeling like I led him on in some way, told him I wanted it possibly (I have no recollection of most of the night), or any other factor that may “invalidate” my story, if that’s possible but what I do know is that I’ll forever regret the night I went out with him. So here goes….
It was last summer, July 2017. I met a guy at a mutual friends party. I had kindve known that he was an acquaintance of another guy I had briefly dated in the past dated so I definitely didn’t want to get into anything sexual or serious with him, just thought he was cute and we could go for food & drinks one day. Just food & drinks…so I thought.
The red flags were there. He asked me the next day to meet him for some food and drinks and to “pack a bag” because he was kidnapping me and wanted me to stay at his place afterwards. I told him no because…well, I didn’t know him. Who in their right mind packs a bag to sleep over a guy they just met’s house on the first date? Not I! I thought I had it all figured out. I had this under control.
We ended up meeting up a few days later at a bar/restaurant not too far from both of us and it seemed to be going ok. I remember us doing some light flirting and him becoming a bit touchy one time and sliding his hands down the back my pants but I quickly told him to “chill” and he moved his hands. I thought he understood, there would be no one night stands happening over here. I thought wrong.
He had preordered six drinks when I arrived. 3 for me. 3 for him. After the second drink I went to the bathroom. I remember being very tipsy, but nothing I couldn’t handle I thought. I re-emerged from the bathroom thinking the night was almost over. The rest of my night replays in spurts with blacked out blocks of time in between.
I don’t remember drinking the third drink or leaving the bar. I do remember falling by my car and him helping me up off the ground. I don’t remember driving off or anything after that.

I woke up in my car, not sure of how much time passed, with my pants unzipped and halfway down, panties exposed. My shirt was pulled down so that my arms and breasts were out of the shirt and it was lying around my lying. My car was driven half way up onto a sidewalk and I had no idea where I was.
I immediately started to sob. A deep, gut wrenching cry, I prayed to God that what I was beginning to think happened didn’t happen. How could it??? I was so sure I had this under control! I didn’t even remember becoming drunk. I called a friend for help because I was too disoriented to drive myself home,and told him I was somewhere completely different than I was. He joined with another friend of mine and his girlfriend and they told me to pin them my location so they could come find me. It turns out I was only about fifteen minutes from home. They found me, halfway up on someone’s lawn. I must’ve passed out again after I got off the phone. My friends girlfriend helped me get dressed. I cried the whole way home. I still wasn’t sure of what happened but the scene was pretty telling. He texted me when I got home. Had the nerve to ask if I was ok. Only now do I know how bold he was to do so. I asked him what happened?? I said I felt like we may have had sex but I couldn’t remember. He dodged the question and answered me the next day asking if he left his wallet and telling me to let him know the next time I was up for drinks with a winking emoji. I assumed nothing happened since he made no mention of it, however, I was unaware he saw nothing wrong with what happened.

I told my two best friends, they told me to go to the hospital and do a rape kit but I was thinking, “me? Need a rape kit? No…that kind of stuff only happens on tv” I told them I didn’t think anything happened, plus I had just started a new job and my insurance hadn’t kicked in so I wasn’t willing to pay for that exam out of pocket. I continued to brush it off but I knew something wasn’t right. As a woman, most times, you know when you’ve been penetrated. You feel differently down there. And I felt different. And I saw things…almost like flashbacks in my head… Of him behind me having sex with me, of my head in his lap presumably giving him oral sex, of him inside me….over and over I kept seeing these things. I told myself maybe I had dreamt it last night. I was still hungover and thought I was just going through the motions.

Fast forward a couple of weeks. He continued to try to go out with me again, I didn’t know why he was so persistent, but it was like every night to every other night he was asking me to come out. Finally we had a conversation one day and I told him that he would have to work for me because I’m not easy and I’m something you earn. Imagine the look on myself when he responded back that he must be something special because I slept with him that first night so he warned me already….

I think the shock took a while to wear off. I finally realized those flashbacks weren’t a dream after all. Then I started to blame myself for getting so drunk that I blacked out and don’t remember the night. I don’t know if I said yes. I don’t know if I said no. I don’t know what I did to contribute to what happened to me that night. All I know is it happened. And because I wasn’t sure if it happened I continued to speak to him for weeks probably giving him the impression that I wanted it and it was ok…but it wasn’t. And I didn’t. I didn’t….

In the months that followed I think I became depressed and acted out my depression in a series of self sabotaging, destructive behaviors. Turning into a person that the people around me couldn’t even recognize. I lost myself. And I’m just getting back to me. Almost a year later. I’m trying to stop blaming myself. Stop feeling like I’ve lost value due to a night of unwanted intercourse. Stop
Feeling like I brought it on myself and it’s ny burden to carry. I’m trying to stop blaming me…..trying.

— Survivor, age 28

2 comments

  • sharon
  • Alexis

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