I don’t know why I’m writing this here, I probably should have written it in my diary like I use to.
I was sexually assaulted when I was a child, molestations most times, attempted gang rapes sometimes. I succeeded in blocking out the memories throughout my teenage years but the signs were always there. Like how I can’t hold eye contact and how hugs makes my heart sink to the lowest portion of my stomach. I can’t sit in a room or car full of guys without wanting to run for my life.
Without the memories, I don’t feel pain nor happiness, I feel numb most times. This saw me through my teenage days and I was fine. But last year, things got a little out of hands and most times I was depressed. A Safe Place was recently opened in my community where people with mental illness come together to talk and get help. I joined and everything was going well.
Some days ago, I watched a stage play with my girlfriends and a rape scene was shown. While others saw the joke in the scene, I was stuck and couldn’t get the scene out of my head, my memories came rushing back and I just blacked out.
Since then, I still can’t shake it off and I’m scared I may never be able to pull myself out this time around.
I may sit in bed all day for weeks and may not show up for things the normal me will do.
I’m tired of the ups and downs. I’m tired of trying to heal and be torn upside down by something as small as a movie scene or a familiar voice.
I know somehow I will get myself back up, I just thought I will feel less crazy if someone else reads this.
— Survivor, age 19