I wasn’t planning on cheating.
I was in a committed monogamous relationship, and we were both quite happy! I was with B for over 3 years, and I know he was trying to do it all right and save that 3 month wages!
I had a lot of friends online, and that was fine, as long as it was only friends, and they knew I was taken.
K was in one of my online groups, that B had no interest in. There was a convention in Atlantic City, and I wanted to go, incredibly badly! I originally planned on taking the train up and back, and spend the day gathering free swag, autographs, and overspending on collectables!
K offered to pick me up, take me, and return me, and even stop for dinner! This means I get up later, back earlier even with dinner, get dinner, and I could spend the extra cash there!
An all win situation, I thought.
B wouldn’t approve of me going with a guy from online, especially a guy, and from online. So I didn’t tell him.
K and I went to everything, shows, demonstrations, auctions, and I got a notebook full of contacts, and a ATM card empty of all balance!
Oh, he took me to a nice Chinese food restaurant, and not eating all day, I was a pig! It was so nice to have my food and transport chipins denied from the start!
It was still earlier than the train would have gotten me home, and he made sure I got inside my apartment safely.
I can only figure he was sure there was a rapist in the neighborhood. I opened my door, and said goodbye, not even a kiss for a friend, and it was on the first date.
K pushed inside with me, not real violent, just like I was nothing in his way.
He said he was doing what he wanted.
I was pinned to the rug, on my knees, faced pressed down, wrists held painfully. He was too strong for me, and I couldn’t move, and the struggle just hurt me more. He pulled down my pants, and then his. I was begging him to stop this, before it went too far. I was crying when I felt him down there, giving in to what was about to happen, and further asked him to Please at least use a condom. He never let my wrists go, and I felt him push in, and I never saw a guy don one 1 handed.
He was rough, and unloving. He undressed me as he went. I just wanted him to finish and let me go. He finished, but turned me over, and continued with more sex. I wanted him to stop kissing me in various spots more than the forced intercourse. He inseminated my body more times than I care to relate, and his fingers entered everywhere. I just hurt, physically more, but mentally was catching up.
When he had enough, he dressed, and said I was pretty good. This review was one I did not need. We had been at it for more than 3 hours! Buhbye, he said, and waved me off.
I had rug burn on my jaw and knees. Hickeys were clearly visible on my neck and chest. My wrists had bruises all around, My hips had bruises where he held them, and my buttocks where he slapped. My privates hurt and there was some surface bleeding, aside from the disgusting mess left.
Every option I could think of, I soon discounted for lack of wanting to be found out. I couldn’t go to the hospital, or police, or call a friend, or family. Any of those would put this embarrassing incident out there! I went for the shower and tried some lotion.
B texted me how the convention went, and I responded it went fine. The convention was great, the part I didn’t and couldn’t tell was hell!
I didn’t see B until the next weekend. I was praying the hickeys and bruises would go away first.
I can say today, that it was getting discovered that was on my mind, not that I was forced, or that I had unprotected sex!
If you ever tried to hide a hickey or whatever, it’s easy to cover the chest, and wrists marks stick out from under long sleeves, so hands have to go on the lap, preferably under the table. No makeup commercially available covers a neck hickey that a collar doesn’t reveal. I went with the heavy paint coat coverup.
B was interested in sex, though I said I wasn’t. We ate, and went back to his place, and he wanted to put a video on, and I wasn’t interested. He had noticed the hickey, and I was mortified. He was mad that I gave it to someone else to the point that I had nothing left for him.
I showed him the bruises, and explained what happened. It wasn’t anything I gave, it was something that was taken!
B still took it as I went out with a guy behind his back. He didn’t know who I met on the Internet, or how many I had sex with without telling him? He found it conclusive evidence that I didn’t tell him I went out, and hid what happened! All I could say was that I was embarrassed, and afraid it would hurt him.
He was hurt enough to send me home alone, when I could have used being held. Though acceptance and support would have been the ideal, I can’t say he was wrong to react as I expected.
B stopped talking to me, needed some space and time. He opened up to my friend F. B couldn’t trust me if I would lie, and cover it up. He didn’t feel safe having sex with me anymore. F tried real hard to talk him into talking to me on the phone, but she couldn’t get him to take it.
I knew he liked F, but gave up the reconciliation when he started sleeping with her. Might as well have someone have a good time here!
The attack didn’t damage me badly in a physical sense, it healed over several weeks. I had a lot of jokes and comments about the hickeys, but a friend at work shushed the comments. I think she saw I wasn’t taking the jokes well, especially when I stopped talking about B.
I still see B out with F, and get offers from K’s alternate accounts, having blocked him from messages and group. I’m not hard up enough to accept more treatment.
Survive is a good term. I live and go on.
— Porche, age 28