I am sorry if my English isn’t that good. I am from Belgium and English isn’t my “main” language…
I was 11 when I made the most horrible experience in my life.
I had some friends, not a lot, I was very leery and I chose my friends very carefully.
Even though I chose them carefully, one of them hurt me so much that I completely lost the trust to myself. I am still struggling with myself until today.
He was a boy, some years older than me. My mother had a best friend, living a 15 minutes walk away from our house and she had a son. Daniel, who just turned 14. We were spending some our free time together. I would say that I liked him, but I never fell in love with him.
At this time a lot of girls were kissing other boys. Nearly everyone except me. Me who has been always leery and careful. I thought, I would wait for the right one, the one I am going to spend my whole life together with, because I didn’t wanted to “give” my body to someone that I didn’t really love.
Daniel and I, we spent some hours together, having fun, playing computer games, laughing. I don’t know why but I was laying on my bed, Daniel next to me. Suddenly he was on me.
I felt uncomfortable and I was scared. He had never done anything to me, he didn’t try to kiss me, he didn’t touch me, I mean, there was nothing that could have warning me.
But now he was on me, starring me directly into my eyes and I knew what he wanted. I asked him if he was sexually aroused and he said “yes”. I asked him because I thought that I would maybe misread his behavior. After I asked him that, he put his right hand on my mouth. I remember myself screaming “no” and trying to pull him off but he was stronger. He was still looking into my eyes while getting our clothes off, I was crying very quite and I knew what was going to happen.
Daniel raped me. I don’t know how long it took him to finish.
He didn’t use a condom and I am lucky that I wasn’t pregnant after this happening.
When I am remembering the situation, I can see myself onto my bed, my head gets hurt by the iron bars of my white bed, because every time Daniel raped me again, my head knocked against the iron bars and made me having a real bad headache.
The next thing I remember is taking a shower for more than three hours. A hot, hot shower.
The next day I was listening to music which was far too loud. I closed my dorm room door, l had been lying on my cold floor and crying for many, many hours.
No one asked for the reason. My parents ignored me.
I met Daniel several times again. I simply forgot the rape for many years, saving myself from hurting me.
Daniel told me some years later that he would be gay.
I never asked “why”. I never went to the police, knowing that Daniel wouldn’t be punished.
I am struggling with myself, with my body, with my mind until today.