When I was 19, I had the world in the palm of my hand. I had just graduated high school and community college, both with advanced honors. In the fall, I transferred to university and was looking forward to all that college life had to offer; I was excited for my new classes.
I had started dating a boy, who I will call P, that I had met online. The first time we went on a date to the beach and just walked around and talked all night. I thought he was a great guy. Until he started the cycle of abuse right then and there. I have always been insecure about my looks. He asked me if I was Jewish. I was surprised at the random question and said no, why? He then said “because you have a huge nose” and he laughed about it as I cried. He apologized later and I decided to forgive him and we had sex that night consensually. Little did I know at the time that was a red flag of an abuser.
Fast forward two months into the relationship, we were sitting in my dorm room cuddling and talking and listening to music. We had both had a couple beers and I started to feel funny. My vision got blurry and I felt dizzy. I thought to myself, wow alcohol has never done this to me before. It was a type of beer I had never drank before so i figured I was just having a bad reaction. I don’t know if he drugged me or not.
He began to fondle me but I told him I wasn’t feeling well and that I didn’t want to fool around. He told me that I would like it and to just let him continue. I squirmed and told him no and pushed him away. He stood up next to the edge of the bed and grabbed my legs and held them above my head. I knew what his intentions were at this point and I started to panic. I was too intoxicated to fight him off physically and I kept yelling no no no but he turned the music louder so my roommates couldn’t hear me screaming. My legs were pinned and he was penetrating me and all I could do was cry and keep saying no. He kept telling me that I wanted it and that I liked the feeling of him inside me but in reality I was disgusted. He finished inside me and I couldn’t feel the pain but I saw that I was bleeding.
I blacked out and woke up in the morning to him with his arm around me asleep. I realized what had happened but I couldn’t come to terms with it. He kept telling me I wanted it, did I actually though? He kept telling me it felt good for me, but how could it have when I was bleeding and sore? He awoke and I told him he raped me. He said, “No I didn’t, you wanted it.”
I blocked it out of my mind, convinced it was my fault. We continued to date for a year and a half. During that time he would belittle me constantly. He would tell me he would leave me if I got fat. He told me he would leave me if I ever got I’ll and couldn’t work. He grabbed my arms and legs and left bruises when we argued and I could never fight back and to this day I don’t know why. I froze and I cried and I was petrified when he would put his hands on me to stop me from walking out the door of his apartment. He would constantly tell me I needed to lose weight or I should skip meals, even though I was a mere 120 pounds at 5’5″. He told me if I didn’t give him what he wanted sexually, he would cheat on me and get it from another girl. That devastated me and whittled away my self esteem to nothing, so I complied unwillingly to his penis in my mouth and degrading me sexually by ejaculating on my face and telling me I was a whore and slapping me i n the face; Awaking in the morning to him already on top of me holding me down and kissing me. I was disgusted and all I could do was cry. I wanted to vomit.
I was finally able to get away from him while he was deployed in another country because he couldn’t get to me then. He sent abusive emails calling me every name in the book when I broke up with him and threatened to come after me when he got back. I was too mortified to report him to the police for all he had done to me. I didn’t want anyone to know that I took his abuse for they would think I was weak and stupid. But I was trapped in my mind, trying to reason with myself that this couldn’t have happened to me, so that’s why I stayed with him for so long. He was a typical sociopath. Charming and romantic at first to draw me in and then physically and verbally abusive when he stopped caring. He would accuse me of cheating and tell me I had to “make it up to him.”
3 years later, I still have not come to terms with what happened to me. I’ve been in therapy ever since and still can’t move past my rape. I am now happily engaged, but I still flinch when he touches me. I am so grateful that this man is patient with me and when I say no, he respects me. He understands what I have been through and is gentle when we try to be intimate. I don’t know if I will ever get past this. I had to stop writing the details of what my attacker said because it was starting to cause me physical pain. But hopefully by sharing my story here I can help others avoid the early signs of an abuser. LML. <3 -- Nikki