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My Nightmare

This is me, I’m 17 years old, a girl.

I saw Brave Miss World today, and I don’t know why, I kind of just got drawn to it. The strange thing is that after what happened to me I haven’t exactly had so many feelings in me than anger and uncertainty. But this really made me cry, like I haven’t done in a long long time. Thank you, for having somewhere where I could hear others talk about their story. It really helped.

It’s been two years since I got raped.

I was at a political summer camp when it happened. My life had been and was about politics since I turned twelve years old. This summer camp was a new one, with different and some of the same people I had been with before. I was actually having the time of my life and one man I really looked up to was there. He was such a good speaker and we got to talk about politics together. Even though he teased me about being to young, so young that I could still be sucking my thumb or be calling to my mum any second. I couldn’t care less for a time period, since he was kind of my “idol”, and then it just got to much.

One night I went to bed kind of early while it was a big party going on outside. I got a message from an anonymous number saying my friend needed me to come and be with her and the others for a while since she didn’t want to be alone. So I put on my clothes, my makeup (that I earlier in the evening had taken of) and went out.

When I got out my “Idol” stood there asking if I wanted a beer, and I said yes. So we went to pick up the beers and was walking towards the loft where he told me my friends was and he also said there was couches and music there. It was dark, cold and nothing except holes in the floor. So I just sat down on the stairs and we talked for a little period of time, before he started asking very strictly to empty my beer faster and faster so I could have another one. When I said no, he said – right, you’re a baby, not an adult. So I did. I drank two beers that night. I had been drinking much more before, but my body just said no that night.

Then he asked me to get to he’s room so he could get some more beers, but I turned him down. I kissed him goodnight, and walked around for a bit while getting a cigarette. He texted me that he had to talk to me about my friend right away, so after I tried to not do it for a while, I went. I walked voluntarily towards my never ending nightmare.

It was five sleeping spots, two bunk beds. He was laying in the bed already, I placed my self on my knees by the bed instead of sitting on his bed like he gestured me to do. He took my wrists and dragged me into the bed and placed me under him, while I came up with new excuses for why I had to go, like I had been doing all of the night. He just didn’t listen to me, he just said yes, you got time, no worries, if you’re friend is in trouble she can manage herself.. Then he started kissing me on the neck, and I still wasn’t sure what this was, and I still hadn’t said anything but excuses. Then he ripped of my pants with one hand and keeping my two hands over my head with the other. Thats the first time I said no.

Then he said, just a little taste? I said no, but he didn’t care what the answer was going to be. He took my legs on each of he’s shoulders and started licking me. And a tear came out of my eye, the first and only during in what became to be a rape. I screamed no for the first part of it, and then my body just froze to ice. I couldn’t move anything, say anything… I disappeared from my own body. I had no control, at all. When he was going inside of me, he “slapped” his penis on my vagina and nothing in my life has hurt so bad. He went on for some minutes while I said stop all of the time. Suddenly his roommate came in, and I said help, but he went out of the room without doing anything. In that moment I had the opportunity to get up of the bed, and so I did. I said bye, and he tried to held me back, but I walked out of there.
I wasn’t really clear of what just had happened to me, I was just diffuse and shaken up. I took a cigarette and called my best friend.

When I finally got in my bed again, I got a message telling me to delete all previous messages and that he had a lovely time. In that second I nursed into tears and cried.

The whole week after I just can’t remember, my grandma told me she had picked me up and we had been in a market. I had apparently done a lot of stuff, and been quiet and pale the whole time. When I got in the bed, I puked and stayed there for a whole week.

The time after what happened, happened, I changed. I’ve had a lot of problems dealing with it and I moved away from everyone I even had known and knew to be alone and out of danger. Today I’ve moved back, and I’m starting to get my life back. But I still have problems and I’m in treatment for ptsd. The most difficult part is not being apart of my biggest interest – politics, losing my friends and feeling like a total different person than I was before.

Love.

3 comments

  • Alissa Ackerman
    • Isabella
  • Alissa Ackerman

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