I just want to say how inspiring I find you and how you have become a symbol of female power and strength. When I think of you, I don’t see a victim, I see a lioness who despite being hurt, doesn’t back down, doesn’t accept defeat and whose roar shows that you are a force to be reckoned with. I am woman, hear me roar definitely applies to you!!
Your story has given me courage to share mine. I know molestation is not any less serious as actual rape, but at the end of the day, I personally believe the end result is the same. The feeling of shame, disgust, worthlessness. I was 8 years old. He was around 11 or so. The son of my dad’s cousin but in the Indian culture, it was normal for cousins to also be seen as siblings. I trusted him. It happened in my grandmother’s room. How it began exactly, I couldn’t tell you. My brain has blocked some of the memories which I am told is my brain’s defence mechanism. I don’t know. I remember him kissing my neck, lifting up my top and kissing my chest and abdomen. All the time whispering “beautiful”. I didn’t know what he was doing at the time. I had no idea what sex was back then, quite worrying if I had done right? I remember at one point he unbuttoned my jeans and unzipped the fly. He had done the kissing thing in the past bu t this was the first time he had gone this far. Maybe he was getting bolder. We heard footsteps. He quickly pulled down my top, fixed my jeans and sat on my grandmother’s bed like butter wouldn’t melt and I stood there with a bewildered look on my face while mum came into the room without as much glancing at us and went back out. I remember another occasion, where he undid his jeans and made me get on my knees. I knew this was wrong. Nothing happened then because I backed off. Despite not knowing why I knew this was wrong.
The abuse that took place in my gran’s room was the same room I had to sleep in and continued to sleep in until I turned 20. I had to live in silent with those memories of him touching me. I had a defence mechanism of just switching off when I entered the room when it was time to go to bed. He abused me at his house as well as well as mine. I couldn’t tell you how long it continued, my mind has blocked a lot of stuff. What I do remember is that he started bullying me afterwards at family gatherings in front of other cousins. He would single me out.
It wasn’t until I learned sex education in school that the full extent of what he did hit me. I felt dirty. I’m convinced if mum hadn’t come in the room, he would have raped me. Not being able to tell anyone was hard. I couldn’t tell family. My mother is so honour obsessed she would have probably told me to ignore it and not mention it. This is the same woman who years ago said that women get raped because of their clothing. We have no relationship with each other presently and with her prehistoric views, she is the last person to undersand all this. I am comforted that your mother supported you and helped you heal. I don’t have that luxury.
This is going to sound so daft. I went to a fortune teller in April. I guess cos I have lots of questions that I felt I needed answering in my life. She mentioned the sexual abuse. She mentioned it quite early on and that left me shocked cos I gave no indication. She said I am hurting because he did it to me repeatedly. What stunned me, is that she told me he has done it to someone else in the family. A boy. I will be riddled with guilt if it emerges that he has abused someone else because I kept silence. It’s a family situation which makes it that much harder you know? In an Indian culture it is so much worse. The gypsy described him perfectly. That he needs to be sectioned. She said he is afraid I will speak out. I don’t remember telling him that I will reveal his reality but apparently I did. As I said earlier, my memory has blocked a lot of stuff. To be honest, this period and the psychological and emotional abuse I suffered at the hands of my mot her and sisters has messed up my memory big time (that is another story, my crime – having a bf). She said he is unhappy with his life. He is bisexual and the boy in question feels like I do and his relationships are suffering. I hope it’s not true but a lot of what that gypsy said about my past was 100 percent true and what she said would come to pass is also happening. I wish I could reach out to this “boy” and hug him and ask him for forgiveness because my silence made this happen.
I am in a relationship (that my family are unaware of…my life is not easy lol) and at first, sex was so difficult for me. My bf said that I was there physically but from my eyes he could see I was gone. I’m happy to say I have got over that hurdle.
I feel uneasy though. There is a family wedding coming up and he will be there. I don’t want to see him, I don’t even want to acknowledge his existence. I hate him. I hate my mother for the way she is because she will brush my suffering under the carpet like she has done in the past to save face and honour. I am currently a nervous wreck. I sit in my room to avoid mum. I starve myself and have dinner once she goes to bed so I don’t have to see her. I regret coming home after moving away secretly 7 years ago.
I’m sorry, I’m babbling a bit.
Thanks for letting me share my story