My story begins when I was 5 or 6…. my parents best friends had a son a few years older than me…. at some point he started molesting me… every time his parents came over or we went over to their house… it started out “easy”.. like he would only touch etc… but than at some poing he started using objects …. i remember i used to watch the floor and pretend all the shapes on it were animals (i was mostly on my stomach)… one day.. my brother came in and “caught us”… he was not all that older than me…. about 2 and a half years… and instead of saying something… he just thought it was a “nice game” and started doing the same…. it went on like that till i was about 12.. and it gradually stoped… no specific reason….than i was blessed with a whole 3 years of freedom…when i was 15… i came home from a movie… on my way to the bus stop 2 men jumped at me and dragged me to an abandoned school yard… there they did pretty much everything to me…. they raped me in every possible way… they hit my stomach and private parts again and again… they made me use my mouth (hate saying the professional word for what they did)… when they finished.. they just spited on me and said… one word and itll be the last word youll ever say….
at the begining i was sure they were going to kill me…. it was a very tense time between us and the arabs (when is it not) and since i lived in jerusalem where there used to be a stabbing by arabs almost every day… and since they were arabs.. i was sure that what it was… i waited to be stabed.. to be killed…. but they didnt… well… they didnt phisically anyway… (though many times it feels like this was the night i died)… i didnt exactlly know what they were doing… though i was familier with abuse… there were just so many things i didnt experience before (thank god)….
i used to be im a very religouse school… after it happened i didnt want to tell anyone… i just went home… thanked god my whole family was already sound asleep… went into the shower and scrubed and scrubed and scrubed… i thought i will never have more tears… i stayed there the whole night till the very early morning … not noticing that the water was already freezing… only till i got out shaking and blue…i went to school as if nothing ever happened….BUT… from a happy chearful child.. i became close sad and withdrawn…. after a few days.. my best friend came to me and told me she was not going to leave the room till i tell her what happened….i was so exhausted and alone.. and a big part of me wanted to just get it out… so stupid me… i told her….she went to our schools principal and told her everything….that same day the principal called me to her office…. she said “i know everything!!!” she was really really angry…. she opened the bible right away and showed me that if there would have been a temple today by the bible i should be executed along with those men… she told me that if this kind of thing happens to a girl in the city (like it happened to me) than if she really wouldnt have wanted it to happen she would have screamedand someone would hear her… (me)… only if it happens in the fields… than only the men should die cause than even if the girl screams no one would hear her….she told me that since this is not the time of the bible and i can not be executed i should pretty much execute myself… i am not aloud to eat… have fun or enjoy ever again… and if i would… something bad would happen….she told me that since its the end of the year i can finish that school year in that school but after that i would have to leave… she also kicked me out for a week to think about what i did… why i went around with my hair down etc… she made me tell my mom.. who did NOT know how to deal with it….
she brought my whole class together and told them the whole thing… they went out of class and came to me (i was ordered to stay outside) they all told me they were to never speak to me again!!! they sent me hate letters and cursses .. they drew me on papers as a whore with two men… etc…..i finished that school year… but it was hard.. i stoped eating.. smiling etc…when i started my new school i was so happy… i was safe again… no one there knew me… they didnt know anything about me… i would have friends again!!!!just a few days since school started we had a three days trip… i was so happy!!! surrounded by friends again… not feeling totally like a criminal that should be executed… i sang and laughed this whole trip… whn i got back home… my family picked me from the bus stop…. they told me something bad had happened… they told me my brother was in a car accident.. and he is doing real bad….right away i knew it!!!!!!!!! it was all my fault|!!! the principal was right!!! i let myself have fun… i ATE.. and something really bad happened….i went to the hospital.. my whole family was there… they all went in to see him and say good bye… one by one…. all i wanted was to die…..
my brother survived.. he is paralyzed and on a wheelchair till this very day.. but thank god…alive….since that day i stoped eating all togehther… became really anorexic… i used to hurt myself every time i thought i had just a little too much to eat… or a smile slipped away… i figured .. if ill punish myself when i eat or smile or god forbid laugh.. than maybe god wouldnt have to….i went on like that for a few years… not sleeping…. having horrible flashbacks… being triggered easily… and responding without any proportion…. i remember the flashbacks used to be soooo hard… so real.. that i know it may sound crazy… but i felt the pain… the most terrible pain.. between my legs…. this was something i could not handle… that with all their voices laughing in my head… i used to just slam my head against the wall to make something else hurt.. so that they will stop… so the pain will go away… i had these bloody spots under the tables in my appartment… it was insane…..when i was 19 i was hospitalised for my anorexia… i was in the hospital for a year…. i had a feeding tube which i hated… i hated this white liquid puring down my nose… into my throat.. but couldnt explain why i was fighting so hard… and pulling it out all the time… and actually… no body ever asked… they would just put it back in and have someone hole my hands all day…..i went to therapy… found an amazing therapist.. who really helped me pull myself together… it wasnt easy… and i didnt always keep up… getting therapy always triggers me… and i feel so exhausted…i was in and out of the hospital for a while…. till i felt i couldnt take it anymore… i moved to rome italy… where i started studying medicine in hope of becoming someone that will be able to help victims like me… and eating disordered girls (i learned many and i mean many girls with eating disorders dont just do it just cuz they wanna be skinny… there are so many sexual abuse victims just like me… so many… way too many…)some how i met my husband there… he is the first man i ever trusted… it was a long long journey… but he is very sensitive and caring and i trusted him…. we got married… and 10 months ago i gave birth to a beautiful baby boy….the journey of my pregnancy and birth was very difficult…. i will not write about that as well cuz i already wrote the longest letter ever that i dont know if youre even ever going to read…but ill say.. that i met the most amazing doctor that works with sexual abuse surviviors.. and if it wasnt for her… i would not have survived this pregnancy… let alone giving birth….and now … because of this very very special program that she made for me as a sexual abuse survivior… she decided to have this huge conference for gynecologists in israel… share our experience (the way she handled my pregnancy and the delivery of my son) and maybe teach them how to be sensitive to “people like us…” i now study medicine.. and really hope to become a gynecologist so i can maybe do my part and help women who were sexually abused see a gynecologist… and not give up on having a child because of the whole procedure of getting pregnant .. having all the medical sometimes internal exams that may be re-traumatising that people dont always understand… just help them not have another one of thier dream stolen.. thats my dream…