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Never Got Over It

I am in my 40’s now, but I feel like a huge part of me is still stuck in the past! Every time something starts to go well in my life, I have a way of messing it up. I feel socially awkward, so I spend a lot of time alone. I often wonder if it is because of what happened in my past.

At age 11, my parents split up, causing my mother to take myself and my two brothers to live with people I had never before met. I hated living there, and I felt very uncomfortable and frightened all of the time. There was a man there who used to try and get me alone, so I always stayed close to my brothers. One day he asked my mother if I could go to the grocery store with him. I looked at her with terror in my eyes, silently pleading that she would say, no! When she said yes, I wanted to run and hide, but where would I go! We were in the country, miles from anyone.

I just couldn’t understand how my mom could let me go!

I knew when I got in the car and we drove away that something terrible was going to happen. If I could feel this, why could my mother not feel it too! I was very sad that she let me go!

Of course we did not go into town, he drove down a desolate gravel road far in the country, pulled to the side and turned the car off. I remember how badly I wanted to open the door and run, but where would I go! And at that age I still believed in monsters. I remember trembling so badly and trying to fight back my tears.

He unzipped his pants and told me to play with his penis, I just stared out my window hoping to wake from this God awful nightmare! He grabbed my hand and forced me to rub it. He then proceeded to take my pants off and put his fingers deep inside of me. The pain was awful, all I could do was tremble and cry silently.

When he was finished satisfying himself, he drove me back and I never told a soul. I just didn’t feel like I had anybody I could talk to. I was embarrassed, ashamed, frightened and alone! I kept it to myself all of these years.

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