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Not Really Love

I met Adam for the first time when I was 13, by that time he was 16 and we started walking our dogs together a few nights. After the first week of hanging out I decided to finally accept his offer and watch a movie with him at his place. I had never even kissed a boy before this so I was fairly nervous. He wanted us to lie in his bed while watching some scary movie, which context I have no memory of since i was so nervous. We kissed and i felt so happy, because now I’d done it. Unfortunately he did not aim for the same goal and therefore started moving his hand down to my breasts and then further down. Although i was not at all comfortable with him touching my breasts, I still let him, but when it came to my other personal area I was strong enough to say no. Once wasn’t enough though. After about 7 no’s from my part he finally gave up and I went home. Of course I told my friends about it all, but left out the not-so-romantic part where I had to repeatedly refuse his hand. News travels fast in my small town and he heard that I’d told some friends, so due to the fact that the age difference made it illegal he broke all contact with me.

He was my first crush and for some reason i always kept my interest in him. He contacted me from time to time during the years and a few times we bumped into each other. Every time I started to gain my respect for myself again he would appear and as rehearsed, my respect and limits went out the window. I was so desperate for his approval. Despite the fact that he would call me fat, call me ugly, call me gross, I stayed… in hope for that one moment where he would look at me and make the effort to pay me one compliment, the compliment that made it all worth it. Even when i was at his house a couple years after our first kiss, and he told me to suck his dick or I would be thrown out of the house, I stayed. Even when he sat on my arms with his knees so hard that I couldn’t move to keep me from refusing him, I stayed.

He kept asking me to have sex with him, and i said no every time he asked. His friend was in the house and even though I was aware that Adam didn’t have any kind of restrain, I did, so I kept pushing him away. He disappeared for a while and returned with a condom in his hand. That was when I realized that this person will do what he wants to do at any price. He walked up to me and I kept refusing him. He took of his pants and underwear and put on the condom, while I kept saying that i won’t have sex with him. It all happened so fast. He didn’t even take of my shorts, he just slipped them to the side and entered me. A bit of me disappeared after that, and more pieces have fallen during the years. Pieces I can’t take back.

October 2015- My friends were excited about what to do on my birthday. I had just returned from my summer in Barcelona and with other incidents behind me effecting my mood, I told them that i didn’t want to celebrate my birthday this year. As expected, they succeeded to persuade me into going to a club on the night before the big day. Man, I wish I wouldn’t have.

The night went by smoothly and I started to drag myself home. See, I live in a small town outside of the city so i have to take the train for about 20 minutes before I can start my relatively long walk home. So there i was, alone at the train and basically as drunk as one can be without passing out, when i see him. Adam was further back in the train with his friends and allowed me one glance and a smile. Of course he would never walk up to me while talking to his friends so I didn’t think much more of it. Until the train stopped at our station and he was one of the few, me included, that got off. Now that his friends wasn’t there, he could grace me with his valuable company and attention. We started talking. I was still very very drunk. Therefore i thought that it was a good idea to give him a ride on my bike.

God, you guys, I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve told the course of events after we got off the train, in various ‘hearings’. And after you’ve done that, you start to question everything. Every smile, every look, every word. Did I do anything to cause this myself? Was it my fault?

We where on our way from the station, laughing, having fun, and then it all started again. The infinite nagging. It was like i was 15 again and as insecure as I remember myself to be. He tried to kiss me, which i first refused but after i while i gave in and we started making out. I was well aware that I was on my period and at that time had a tampon inside of me, so whether he nags or not, or I give in or not, he can’t have sex with me anyway. This made me feel safe. He couldn’t do it no matter how much he tried to convince me. And it wasn’t my fault, since I can’t control natures course, so he can’t be mad at me for refusing.

We were in a tunnel in the middle of my town and we were kissing. As expected, he started to touch me in places you shouldn’t without permission. I had already started to feel uncomfortable. But with a relief in my voice I told him that we were not going to have sex since I was on my period. But something was wrong, because he didn’t stop. I kept telling him that it wasn’t going to happen but he still ignored me and told me that he doesn’t care about my period, that he’s cool with it. I started to understand that my safe reason, my argument wasn’t strong enough. I was so scared, of myself, of him, of the situation. It was about 5 am, also known as my birthday. With one movement he managed to pull apart every single button on the skirt I was wearing. He turned me face against the wall and pulled down my tights. Everything happened remarkably quickly. He entered me although i’ve said no a ridiculous number of times, yet again. At this point i lost all hope. All I could think about was how i deserved it and how disgusting I was. It was as if I’d left my body right there and then. My hope on everything just vanished the second his disgusting male organ had made it’s way inside of me. But at that same second something happened. I reentered my own consciousness and the voices inside of my head screamed that i had to stop this, this wasn’t right. I then knew that if this man gets to finish his assault, complete it, then i wouldn’t be able to live with myself again. It was that life-threatening ultimatum that made me turn around and bite his lip until i felt my teeth sink into his skin. As I let go of his bottom lip i=I saw two drops on blood running down his chin. It started more or less flowing blood down the same track of his chin as the first two drops. He stood still and regarded me. In his eyes I could see the same disgust and hate that i for so many years had looked at myself with. He no longer liked me, I could see it. For one second, I was afraid that the man who’s staring at me with a look filled with loathing in an amount that i’ve never seen before, was going to hit me. He would hit me for making him bleed. But at that same second, he pulled his pants up and walked up the stairs of the tunnel and left. I started crying. I hunched against the wall and sat down on the dirty ground. Honestly i have no memory of how long I was in that tunnel, or why I stayed. Maybe it was the fear of meeting him again.

I started walking towards my house while trying to cope with what just happened. My friend lives next to me so i decided to knock on her window and for once, be honest about exactly everything that happened. She told me to come inside and tell me why i was sad. I couldn’t get my words out because of the crying, but eventually i managed to explain and she called our other friend who told us to come to her place. Once we were there, they both sat me down and calmly told me that they were going to call the police who’s just going to come over and ask a few questions. I refused. He, the man that i had sacrificed my self respect for, was never going to talk to me again if i charge him with rape. Rape. I couldn’t even utter the word. It was so surreal. My friends knew who he was and what he was capable of, and used that as an argument. They both tried to explain that if not for my sake, charge him in sake of the future victim that will fall for his manipulation. This made me act. Do what every woman that has been violated should do. Call the police.

I spent most of that day at a hospital while being wished a happy birthday. That visit was painful both physically and mentally, not to mention how it feels to have someone use a tool to drag out a tampon from my insides that had managed to get pushed so far inside of me that you couldn’t reach it using only your fingers. This visit was followed by further more interrogations. Adam was picked up by the police and had to spend two nights in custody.

Do i even need to inform you that his side of the story was so far from my perception of the event that it was on the verge to ridiculous. So let me ask you, who do you think the male investigator trusted?

Not only did i make the very hard decision to charge a man i’ve known for a big part of my life. I also spent a day in a hospital. I went through the incredibly emotional and humiliating experience of telling my mother why i wasn’t there to open my presents that morning and why two investigators was going to come to our house later that night. Despite all of this, and more, i got rejected due to the fact that ”there wasn’t enough evidence.’Apparently a busted lip, a vaginal damage and a very odd sexual history of the accused, wasn’t enough.

Here’s the thing that upsets me the most. There’s this guy that has treated women like meat for his whole life. He has been using them and done the same thing to them as he has to me. This i know for a fact. He aims for the weak, the ones that he knows won’t press charges. His only fear in this rape game that he calls life is if he would abuse some girl who will pull it together, reclaim her own body and go to the police. Because the law is on the victims side, not the predator, right? Then he would finally get to pay for his actions. And then that day comes. It happened to be me. I did it. I went to the police. And what is this rapists penalty? Two nights in custody. After that, he goes back to his job as a primary school teacher, hangs out with his friend, doesn’t even have to tell a soul about what happened that weekend if he wishes.

What do I get?
A broken trust for men, Devastated parents, and a fear of walking my dog since that could lead to seeing either him, or his friends.
And also, a new found fear of getting raped. Not for the reasons you should, but because if I would in fact experience this again, whether it’s a friend or a man hiding in the bushes, I can’t charge another man for rape. I now have a track record of once charging Adam. If I would do it again to someone else, how well would my credibility be?

Last time I saw Adam was 4 days ago while I was in the car. He’s still working at the school with the tunnel he raped me in.

I will not be diminished and persuaded into believing that what happened that morning, in the tunnel was not rape.

I encourage other people to take your body back and stand up for yourself. You don’t deserve the shit that happens to you and you need to take a step forward and show that.

— Kajsa, age 19

1 comment

  • Suki

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