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Not Sure It Happened

I was a bit of a party wild child, started drinking when I was 13 and kissing boys, however did nothing sexual until I was 17. That’s when I started hanging out with the “cool” crowd. The popular boys seemed into me and that was really flattering so I started seeing one of them. It was all cute texts and hanging out until one night I invited him over when no one was home…we made out a bit but he suddenly got very forceful and took of my clothes before I knew it.

He then had sex with me whilst I sort of just lay there in shock. I wasn’t hysterical or fought him off madly, I remember just lying there and feeling numb, for some reason there was no blood so he didn’t believe me when I said I was a virgin. I think he came in me, but it’s a bit blurry, I do remember that he stayed around for a long while after that.. I think it was mostly to convince himself he did nothing wrong. We had sex again before he left. After, I got a knife and tried cutting my wrists but was too chicken to do it properly.

That year I started drinking heavily and sleeping around although I didn’t enjoy sex for years afterwards. It didn’t help that I kept seeing him around as we hung out with the same people. I believe I sort of blurred it from my memory and because of my personality I function well 90% of the time, I finished 2 great degrees and am on the way to becoming successful in my career. However, I do not trust men and tend to use them so they can’t use me.

I believe I am a high functioning alcoholic and have dabbled in sex work on the side as a high end escort. No one would ever suspect I am one and I used to think it empowered me. I am not so sure anymore as I feel it probably takes away more than it gives. Because I think I am strong, I thought I healed from what I wasn’t even sure was rape. I never told anybody and I don’t know if i ever can because in my mind I still blame myself. I should have done something and resisted more instead of just going blank, I am smarter than that. I am only starting to accept that it was rape and understand that a lot of my relationship and emotional issues DO stem from that night. I think a lot of the times women are ashamed to say anything because they expected more of themselves.

1 comment

  • Alissa Ackerman

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