.. My first answer, when people asked what happened.
I was raped at my 25th birthday in Hungary from one of the teachers who helped me with my diploma thesis and his friends, which I never met before. That was his birthday-present for me, beside the cake.
I remember him saying “Ulrike I told you: You need a man, now you have a lot. Enjoy it. That’s your birthday-present…“ And then he said to the others which I had never seen before in Hungarian, “and that’s my present for you…“ That was, after he was finished with me, I think. He left me there alone with these animals. I also can remember the sound from laughing girls. This is one of the things which I still know, because I believe I was drugged by GHB or another ‘date rape’ drug. I also heard this from the police and from friends after I told my story. I couldn’t move or scream. I was caged in my body. I just can remember strange unstructured and unclear pictures.
My memories are incomplete after the last drink I ordered. I remember asking for something alcohol free. After we left the pub I bought a piece of pizza, and I asked him what happened. I couldn’t remember, and he petted my hair and said: “nothing bad my little girl, nothing bad, go home and sleep“.
The last words which I said to him before my door were: “Thank you for supporting my diploma-thesis and for the nice birthday evening”. I feel so stupid. How I could forget what he had done?
When I woke up in my bed, there were blue spots at my breast, my arms and the back of my knees like fingers and a feeling that I can’t describe.
I needed four days to put together all the things which where different with me since my birthday, and check what happened. I feel so embarrassed and I still can’t believe that this is a part of my life now. I feel so dirty, used, unloved, alone. The fear that somebody could do that again paralyzes me and makes it so complicated to trust or follow a life.
I have had a lot of bad experiences with the police in Germany and Hungary, with aid agencies, lawyers, doctors and so on, trying to report the rape. Nobody wants to handle my case. I am just an unimportant little student, a number. It happened in Hungary but I am German; that makes the case so complicated.
The police said when I was there after 6 days, forget it its to late. “Túl későb… túl későb…”
“The EU doesn´t exist, forget it!“ (lawyer)
“When you are addicted to drugs, why you are wondering that somebody rape you?“ (gynecologist) – I don´t take drugs.
“We cant help!“ (lawyers and aid agencies)
“You don´t have to tell me your story, I have enough imagination. You had an orgasm?“ (psychologist)
“You can make a difference between violent sex and lovely sex?“ (police)
“If you would search out your friends better, such things don´t would happen to you!“ (translator at the police) – I have never met someone who searched out a teacher.
And so on…
The blame doesn´t stop after the act of rape – there are just less people which are sensitive to such a topic.
It’s safe for rapists Of course a lot of girls are not talking about what happened to them.
It has to stop… The rapists know what they do.. it can’t be okay that the community is protecting these guys. “That was organized crime” I heard more than twice about my case. Nevertheless, he can still feel safe. He still teach students at university. He was 50 years old.
My life stopped at my 25th birthday and is dictated by my trauma. But I fight to be more and more Ulrike again. Who wants to hear the butterflies laughing to have a taste of clouds.