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PART 4: My True, Horrid, and Concluded Story of Abuse

“To be, or not to be: that is the question: /Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer /The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, /Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, /And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep; /No more; and, by a sleep to say we end /The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks /That flesh is heir to, ’tis a consummation /Devoutly to be wish’d. To die, to sleep; /To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub.” —William Shakespeare . When being relocated, I lost so much in my life. I lost my bed that had provided me with comfort even in my most uncomfortable moods. I lost my bedroom, which was where I took refuge in my darkest hours. I lost the familiarity of my bathroom. I lost the people who would honestly make me feel more at home outside of my own house: my friends. I lost my school, and with that I lost my great grades. I lost my pets. I lost my neighbors and my neighborhood. I lost my house but, more importantly, I lost the people who lived under the roof: my mother, my father, my brother, my sister, and me.
Why can’t I ever be enough?
When it comes to you,
It seems like everything I do is wrong.
When it comes to you,
My heart quickens at the thought of helping you,
But when I do, I am useless…

For me, it felt pretty close to rock bottom. I felt like I had no reason to live and breathe; why would I even continue to breathe if I could not live? What was the purpose in that life? Is it more justifiable to live a life full of pain than to rid yourself of it and have minimal casualties? My heart felt as if everything I ever cared for was squeezed out of me— all of the happiness, laughs, love— gone, never to be found again. Then one day I felt gone…
Why can’t I ever be enough?
I just repeatedly mess up-over and over.
It kills me when I try,
Just to get yelled at by you.
I am never good enough,
When it comes to you….

Please tell me what I have to do?
I would do anything for you.
Tell me why that isn’t enough?
Tell me why you still look at me with disgust?
When it comes to you,
I am screaming for help, but you don’t hear me….

***
As I walk to my new parents’ room, I think: thank you Vince for always being there for me; I am sorry I will not be there for you anymore. Nevaeh, you have a strong brother, and I know he will love you for as long as he lives. Victoria and Ron, I hate to think this, but I hope you find the life you abandoned us for. And to everyone who helped me become who I am today, I am sorry, but I quit. I open the door to my parents’ room, and I walk to the side of their bed and lay down on the floor. As I look at the ceiling, I can feel a tear running down the side of my cheek. My head turns to my left, and there is a green extension cord there. I pick it up and wrap it twice around my neck, now I pull as hard as I can. Little by little the world around me starts to blur, and I drift off to nothingness.
Eyes still closed, I hear my brother screaming for me to wake up. His cry makes my heart contract, and I feel so much pain in this moment. “Jocelyn please,” he says. I feel his hands on my neck trying to pull at the extension cord. Then he says, “Please, you are all I have left.” And in this last moment, I can feel his pain—his heartache—so I do what he would do in my position, and I wake up.
***
I will never be enough like he is,
Or like she..
Even when there are times that seem like everything is fine,
I mess it up.
Just tell me what I have to do?
It is like I am trying to earn your love,
When you told me it was free.

It is like I am trying to make you happy,
But all I ever bring is pain.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
So I give up.
I am done trying to make you happy,
When all I am actually doing is tearing you down.
I am done attempting to be the girl I know you would be proud of,
Because all that is seems to be a girl of lies to you..

One thing that I learned from that day was that I lost absolutely everything because of my biological parents. I was not born into a life with sunshine and rainbows but neither was Vince, so why did he have to suffer? I learned that suicide does not destroy the pain, it only shifts the pain on different people.
I had lost many things when I was relocated. It was as if my whole life was snatched up and thrown away. There was so much pain that I honestly did not think that I could overcome it at all, but then there was him. There was my brother still rooting for me to come out headstrong and fight. From that day on I promised myself that I would not let anything that has happened to me affect who I am going to be.
I lost many things that day, but with loss comes favor. “To be, or not to be: that is the question.”— William Shakespeare.
So I tell you this now:
Do not look for the good girl anymore,
For she has disappeared..
Do not look for the girl with all of the smiles,
Because from here she is dead.
Do not wish for that girl previously mentioned to come back,
For she is long gone and will never return.

When people ask for her,
Say that she tried and failed.
Tell them that she is done trying.
She is done believing that she can be better,
When everything she does is a lost cause.
I tell you this now:
DO NOT LOOK FOR ME, FOR I WASN’T ENOUGH!
(poem: Why can’t I ever be enough? By: Jocelyn Fetting)

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