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Rape?

Honestly, I really don’t know why I am sharing this. I’ve never been opened about this.. To this day, the only one who I have mentioned this too is my boyfriend.. Im too scared to tell my family..

i had recently came back to school from suspension, I was barley 13 at that time.. That day, I skipped and went out with two of my friends, they were much older then me, we left to a park near by, where the brother of “Jake” and his girlfriend picked us up and drove us to their home.. We got there and just hung out, I had noticed “jake” “Austin” and jake’s brother “Anthony” were acting really weird but i shrugged it off, I didn’t think much of it.. we all began to mess around, shortly after Anthony went to drop of his girlfriend and while they left Jake and Austin began to touch me i told them to stop and they did for a while, they began to tickle me cause i got mad at them for touching me, but after a few minutes they started again, more aggressive and when I said stop they didn’t listen. When I realized what was happening i dont know what happened, i was paralyzed i couldn’t move or talk. I was really scared. they continued touching me for a while, it wasn’t until Jake’s brother got home when more things happened. they made me do thing that i didn’t want too. I dont know why I didn’t fight, i should have screamed its dumb of me that I didn’t do anything. my mom had always told us to scream and kick, bite scratch, to do anything if we are ever in a situation like that but i dont know why but i just didn’t do anything. i remember the look on Austin’s face, I had met him when i was in 3rd grade, he was my best friend. he was in on it from the start, he was touching me. But when Jake and his brother started going under my clothing and removing their jeans, Austin stopped.. he allowed for them to touch me underneath my clothes, in my private areas and when they made me have them in my mouth he wasn’t happy but he didn’t say anything.. I thought they were going to do everything else, but fortunately they never got to that point.. After they were done they took me back to school for my last period. I remember crying during that whole class and being sent to the office to speak with the counselor, when I tried telling her i couldn’t say it, i was still shocked, scared and mainly confused.. days passed and my mom noticed that something was up, i then began to get in trouble, fighting a lot. Shortly after, my mom hah had enough and puled me out of school into online instead
I couldn’t tell my mom and to this day, I still haven’t told her, I can’t.. I told my boyfriend something had happened to me, i never got the chance to finish telling him because i began to have a panic attack, i was glad i didn’t have to tell him..

That was the first time something like that happened, unfortunately, not the last..

This one is hard because i just can’t wrap my head around it.. I want to believe it never happened, but deep down I know it did.. The boyfriend I just mentioned, me, my sister and brother were drinking at my house. I am not used to drinking and that day it was early morning, i had a few beers on an empty stomach, and he had like 5. I was really drunk and he wasn’t exactly sober but he knew what he was doing, that i am sure off.. after drinking he told my sister and brother to leave the room, him and I were laying in my bed then he started playing with my hair and i remember laughing and giving him a kiss, after that everything is blurry.. the things I remember dont make sense.. he was trying to take of my shorts but i was falling asleep so he was struggling. I knew what he wanted and before we had started to drink I told him no sex.. but i don’t think he listened..when he got my shorts off he immediately inserted himself inside of me slowly, i remember telling him that it hurt and he pushed it in all the way. Those minutes are blank up until i told him i wanted to sleep and i remember him saying “once I am done.” I remember being confused by that. Shortly after he left the room and came back with toilet paper and i asked him what he was doing and he said something like “Im cleaning you ” and i remember asking him twice why he was cleaning me. the first time he didn’t reply and when i asked him the second time he said he didn’t know. I dont know what happened after that.. Once i had woken up i thought it had been a bad dream but i had a feeling it wasn’t a bad dream.. I texted him about it and he avoided it and tried changing subjects. then i told him if we had had sex and he said yeah. and then I told him those few things that I remembered and he denied them at first but then after insisting on it, he admitted to everything.. It was all too confusing for me at the moment and i had a horrible headache.. he called me crying saying he felt terrible for what happened but that he had to explain it to me. So i told him that the following day he could come over and explain.. He did but honestly, his story doesn’t make sense from what I remember.. I know him and he would never do anything to harm me specially cause he knows some of what has happened to me in the past But what I remember and his version of what happened, it doesn’t make sense to me. its all very confusing.. I am with him still, but I am no longer comfortable around him nor do i feel safe with him. I tense up every time he touches me, and he notices.. I can see that it hurts him, which is another reason why it makes me believe that he never did anything. But i dont know anymore it’s all too confusing..
With this recent situation, i have been having more nightmares and flashbacks.. There’s days when I want to speak up, but I can’t. I know it’ll affect my family big time.

— Survivor, age 15

1 comment

  • Alissa Ackerman

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