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Raped and Numbed

For a long time I felt ashamed about what happened to me. I thought it was all my own fault. I never had a high self-esteem of myself. Other girls were better than me, I was an outsider. I did not finish my school and went partying a lot and was introduced in the nightlife. There it happened that I was raped many times and after a while got so numbed by it. I even fell in hands of a pimp and became a prostitute.

I remember one time that I was in a club where I was every weekend and this doorkeeper who also worked there every weekend came to me. He asked me if I wanted to come to show me something. So I went with him, because we were in the club and I saw no harm in it. When we were in a room in he closed the door and asked me if I wanted to have some drugs. At that time, I was frequently using party drugs. So, I took some but then I began feeling so strange. I had no control over my body. He could do with me whatever he wanted an so he did. He took off my pants and his pants were already down. He was sitting on a chair and there he raped me. When he was finished, I had to throw up on the ground. He gave me some water and I started to feel a little bit better, then I got control over my body and he said that I could go. As I walked out of that room and came back into the club, I felt everybody was watching me. I felt disgusting and went to the toilet and just sat there trying to figure out what just happened to me. How was it possible that I just let that happen to me? I saw this doorkeeper every weekend and he was nice and made jokes with me, but this I never expected and certainly not in the club with everybody just out there. He also had a girlfriend who worked behind the bar in that same club. She was there that night!

Another time, I was also in a cafe and a guy starting talking to me and he offered me a drink. And we talked a little but at that time I had a boyfriend so I kept the conversation short. When the cafe closed, it was already early in the morning. I was walking outside to go home and the same guy walked over to me and asked me if I wanted a ride home. He was a taxi driver but of course he was now off duty. First, I said “no it’s ok I will take public transportation.” But after talking a bit more I said yes because I was tired and I trusted him because he showed me his car and it was a licensed taxicab. Well, I was almost home and then he stopped and parked the car. He took out a knife and put it to my face and said, “I am going to rape you from behind.” I starting screaming with fear. He got scared and said that we were going somewhere else to a remote area. While he was driving, he forced me to give him a oral, he held the knife to my neck while he was driving. This was so humiliating because he was driving in my neighborhood and nobody could help me. And then he stopped the car nearby a harbor. He said take off your pants and shoes and go to the backseat. So I did, but I was also checking out if I could open the backdoor and I saw that I could open it. So I got to the back and as he was making his way to the back I opened the door got out of the car and started running as fast as I could to a nearby apartments. I was in my socks with a long winter coat on. And there came two people from the apartment with their dog and I screamed unto them, “I was raped and he had a knife!” So they helped me inside and we called the police. My boyfriend came to pick me up.

The worst part was that I did not have a good support base of family and friends that I could talk to. I felt so alone but also very much ashamed because my parents were Christians and raised me up with values and I was feeling so low and how could they ever love me like this.

My story was on the news on TV and they caught this guy because he had done the same thing later with an other girl. He went to jail for what he had done to me and this girl. I had to work on myself and my self-esteem for many years. I made many mistakes but one thing I learned is that I was not guilty of being sexually assaulted and raped. I was weak and lost my voice to say NO, but now I got back my voice and I live my life more free because of my faith in Jesus Christ.

I was so blessed to see this documentary because it helped again to know that I have a right to live and to enjoy despite of what i have been trough and I can forgive myself for what happened to me. Thank you, Linor, for your braveness. I am proud of you that you stood up for yourself. God bless you and your beautiful family.

— Deniece, age 32

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