It was a traumatic time for me and it even makes my guts clench and bile run up my throat each and every time such a dark memory evades my mind. The fact that he got away with it because of his status and how rich and connected him and his family were makes me bitter at times.
It was a friday night and I wasn’t really a weekend-party animal person, but my friends were, and they persuaded me to attend some huge frat party hosted by ‘Ryan’ (it’s not his real name) and I actually wanted to do something more during the weekend rather than reading books and watching Netflix all alone.
It felt nice connecting with different people, and I really started to enjoy myself and- I got carried away, I guess.
From the corner of my eye, I could vividly remember him occasionally eyeing me- showing interest, and I could remember feeling special because it was ‘Ryan’- the richest, good-looking guy around town. I thought he wanted to be friends. Little did I know that he was a monster with dreadful intentions.
When I was alone in the crowd, watching my friends make fools out of themselves, he came over and offered me a drink. I was already tipsy and thought one more drink wouldn’t hurt anyone; but I was wrong. I still blame myself from time to time, for not having the slightest thought that he might’ve drugged it- I was naïve and lost in his “charm”- I was 17.
After that, I remember feeling dizzy, hot and weak. I really didn’t feel so well, and funny enough, he offered to take me “somewhere nice and quiet” so I could feel better. Thinking he had good intentions, I followed on, looking for refuge.
The next thing I remember was feeling a sharp pain in my groin area and blacking out, because I was too weak to function. After that, I fell conscious again to find myself naked in his bed, feeling an inexplicable amount of pain inside me. I felt like shit, and I wanted to literally burst into full-on tears because of how stupid I had been. I could remember him smirking at me, doing up his buttons as if he had accomplished something very significant to him. Right then, I was fully aware of my surroundings and what had just happened to me. He raped me.
I can remember weakly putting my clothes back on and crying, feeling like a lost deer. He didn’t care. He warned me not to tell anyone or he would make sure that I would be nothing to everyone and that he would make my whole life a living hell. And I believed him because of all the power he had. He had the guts to kiss me and tell me that it was all nothing, and we would forget about it all within no time.
After that I blamed myself for everything that happened that night, and I had to be reminded of it all every time he’d wink at me around the campus halls.
I felt disgusting in my own skin, and now, I am proud to say that I am progressively learning to love myself again despite such a toxic memory. Writing about this makes me feel even more stronger than i’ve ever been in my life, and I am now proud of myself. Being 21 now, with a sweet boyfriend of 2 years, I’ve realized that I have such a happy long life ahead of me that doesn’t need to be halted by the past. I am so glad I now realize this.