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silent rape

I have never spoken out before like this, I’ve told close friends before that I’ve been raped but never actually retold the story. I started watching the documentary on Netflix and could only watch the first 10ish minutes before I had to turn it off as it triggered something.
I never dealt with it, period. I am 27 years old and this happened when I was 15. I never talked about it because a part of me believes that I let it happen, that I asked for it…. so here’s my story.

I took the train with a friend to hang out at one of her friend’s house. I have never met them before. We were all drinking and we had planned to sleep over at this house. My friend was clearly vibing with one of the guys and it was obvious that they were going to hook up. The other guy that I was talking too seemed nice. I had no where to sleep because my friend was with the other guy so he asked if I wanted to go to bed. I followed him to his room and we were chatting, talking and flirting. He then kissed me and I wasn’t opposed to it until he started to become aggressive. He was standing and I was at the edge of the bed. At this point I was telling him to stop and he wouldn’t stop. I then pushed him hard right into the wall making a huge sound. As I sit there at the edge of the bed I remember being so mortified. There was a couple in the next room and the boy friend opened the door and looked right at me and asked “is everything okay” and I nodded….
He was then very apologetic and reassured me we did not have to do anything and just to lie down and go to sleep. I wanted to leave so badly but we were SO far away from home and it was late, trains stopped and my friend was somewhere with this guy she liked. I was stuck.
As I was laying there looking away from him he cuddled next to me and started to rape me. I never told him to stop at this point and I just layed there… looking away.. pretending to enjoy what I knew was rape.
I never considered it rape until months later and I knew for sure. I suppressed the entire thing never talking about it… acted like I wanted it when my friend asked me how my night was.
I know it messed with me… I sleep around and refuse to get vulnerable with anyone. I am 27 years old and have never told this story out loud.
This documentary seriously triggered me which is crazy because for the last 8 years I have dedicated my life to at risk youth in the juvenile system those who have committed such acts and those who were of victim to it so I have seen it all and have never felt triggered at all.
I know eventually I would have to speak out so I am happy this is an avenue to do so.

1 comment

  • Alexis

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