My story isn’t something I’ve ever talked about, so this feels very strange to me, but I just watched Brave Miss World and I was completely moved.
I was 16 when I was raped. I shudder to even say that’s what happened to me. For a very long time I’ve blamed myself, and there are still days when I find myself dwelling on the things I should have done differently. I was at a party and a friend of a friend was hitting on me, following me around. We were all drinking, which in hindsight I kick myself for, and I didn’t really think much of it when he started getting handsy. He would follow me upstairs to the only bathroom and wait for me. I’d make to go back downstairs and each time he’d request something from me before he let me get to the stairs, a hug, a kiss on the cheek, a kiss on the lips, make-out, etc. I would tell him I didn’t want to, I wasn’t interested, but eventually I would give in. There came a point in the night where I was too tired and too drunk and I decided to go to bed, I all but passed out. And then I was woken up by the guy who had been following me all night beg inning to rape me. It wasn’t brutal, he didn’t have a weapon, he didn’t threaten me. But I just froze. At first I tried to stop him, verbally and physically, but when that didn’t work I didn’t do anything but cry.
There are so many details that I had blocked out until writing this. The things he said to me, the way I felt. I carry a lot of guilt about this because of my poor choices and then my silence. It’s been nearly two years and I’m terrified of the impact this has had on my life and my relationships, both intimate and platonic.
I guess I’m sharing my story in part so that I can heal, but also in the hopes that other women don’t make the same mistakes I did, and don’t carry their burden alone the way I am. I wish I could say that I’m empowered and above it, but I can’t. I just have too much guilt to confront this problem. Thanks to anyone who took the time to hear my story.