Deep inside of me, there is a demon. My demon is panic and anxiety. It was planted there by a person I once had loved. I no longer loved that person as I once had; my love had changed. His love had grown hateful and resentful.
One night, while lying in bed, I fell asleep early. It was the night before he would leave the house forever. As I lay asleep in bed, he climbed on top of me. I awoke to his breath on my neck and ear, his hands on my body, breathing “one last time”…. The demon PANIC was planted into my soul that night. Immediately it took root in my gut, clawing and pushing, kicking and screaming. I climbed out from the fray, repeating over and over “no, no, no, no, no….” and scrambled my way to the closet. “GET OUT!” I screamed over and over, as our children sleep in their beds three doors down.
“What? Are you going to call the police?!” is all I remember him saying.
“Just leave. LEAVE!” But he wouldn’t. He stayed. He kept saying “Jesus, calm down.” But he was there, in my bed. Where I was just sleeping, where he just came in and tried to…. He was there on top of me, his breath… His hands…
Finally I got him to leave. I paced and sobbed and the stars in my eyes finally settled. I made phone calls and friends told me to settle, and breathe and calm.
The night was horrid. The monster was in my house with me and our children. I lay behind a locked door all night long, eyes wide open.
The next morning dawned. People told me that I was “overreacting”, and that he was just trying to “connect” before he left for good. He was emotional. Maybe drunk? He had been my husband after all…
I was sleeping, and he was on top of me, touching me and breathing on me. I did not consent. He violated me. To this day, he insists I overreacted as well. “I didn’t try to rape you, GET OVER IT!”
I have several severe anxiety and panic attacks a week. How does my brain get over it? I don’t know. If you figure it out, let me know.
— Survivor, age 37